5) Meet the room mates... Pt. 1 - The Actor and The Four Kids

Anyone ever watch "The Parent'Hood" when it was on?  You know... with Robert Townsend?  The star of Meteor Man?  Russ was a fan of that movie.  Bill Cosby's in it... so is Don Cheadle... he plays a character called "Goldilocks" ...Sinbad's in it... Oh Eddie Griffin is in it... Remember "Malcom and Eddie?"  The show with Theo from "The Cosby Show"?  I think his name was Maynard... no... Marvin-Jamal Warner?  I dunno something like that.  It doesn't matter... the show was set in Kansas City... that's kind of cool.

"What does any of this have to do with Russ's room mate?"

Right...
Anyone ever watch "That's So Raven" when it was on... is it still on?  Russ didn't.  Anyways, both those shows, "The Parent'Hood" and "That's So Raven" have one thing in common.  (I feel like I should change the name just to be safe) Byrone Turton.

"So..."

So guess who just moved in with Byrone Turton?  Yep Russ.  Sounds exciting right?  Well you're wrong, and not just about this either.  You're wrong about a lot of things.  That shirt you're wearing, it doesn't match those pants.

Born in Boston, The Actor was contacted by Warner Brothers, who flew him out to LA to play a character on "The Parent'Hood" back in the late 90's.  Who knows what happened after that.  Oh, Russ does.  The Actor had four kids, with at least two different women, and was on an episode or two of "That's So Raven."  What a life.

Now he lives in LA, where he rents out rooms in his big apartment.  Russ is currently his newest room mate.

"So what's this fine actor up to now?"

Well aside from being very religious, going to bible study, and church... he walks the streets of Hollywood, selling bootleg copies of his own DVDs, The Byrone Turton Show!  Now, selling bootleg copies of DVDs is illegal if you don't have the rights to them, and the cops look out for anyone doing so.

Fast forward to a couple days later.

Late one evening, heading down to the parking garage where the laundry room was, Russ walked into the garage closing the door behind him.  He walked into the laundry room, threw his laundry in the machine, started it up, and walked out into the garage.  As he tried to open the door to the lobby, he found it had locked behind him.

"What the fuck?"

Russ kept trying to pull at the door... maybe someone would be in the lobby and hear him.  A couple moments passed and he decided to try and find another way out.  There were two gates that would raise to let cars in, but Russ couldn't lift them.  He really couldn't be locked in a fucking parking garage... there had to be a way out... what if there was a fire or some shit?  Walking around the parking garage, Russ found a door in the back that seemed to go outside.  It was unlocked but he saw that if he let it close he'd be locked outside... with very few options at this point he took his chance and let the door lock behind him.  He walked around the building and found the front door.  Now he was locked out of the actual apartment building, but that's wasn't a problem... or was it?

Russ dialed The Actors code on the call box outside, and waited as it rang.  No answer.

"Dammit man."

Russ tried again... again no answer.  Russ tried texting one of his other room mates.

"Hey man are you at the apartment?  I'm locked out and Byrone isn't answering his phone."
"Sorry man I'm not."

"Shit."

Russ would just have to keep trying The Actor, or wait for someone else with keys to enter the building.  A few minutes passed and 4 kids walked up the door.  Russ tried dialing The Actor's code again, but must have keyed the code in wrong, because someone else's voice came up on the speaker.

"Hello?"
"Uh... is Byrone there?"
"Who?"
"Is this 302?"
"No-"
Click.

"HEY! That's where we live!"

Russ looked down... well kind of down at the kids.

"Who are you?"
"I'm Russ, I just moved in a few days ago."
"Oh cool."
"I got locked out of the building and I can't get ahold of Tyrone."
"He's talking to the police!"
"Uh... what?"
"He got arrested!  It was on TMZ!"
"Uh... what?"

Russ didn't know it at the time but hours earlier in the day, the police had suspected The Actor of selling boot leg DVDs.  They hand cuffed him, questioned him, and eventually let him go.  Unfortunately TMZ was there and filmed the whole thing.  So... on the early afternoon or evening broadcast of TMZ, hundreds of thousands of people (just a guess, not sure what the ratings for TMZ are) found out about The Actor's story as well as his kids... before Russ did.

The kids kept talking, and after a few moments someone who had keys to the building came and let them in.

Twenty or thirty minutes later The Actor came home, and explained what had happened.  TMZ actually came back on a few minutes later, the later rerun... Russ had to check it out.  There he was, Russ's room mate on TMZ.  Ridiculous.

Did you not catch TMZ that night?  Don't believe it?
UNNNGHH Check it.

Russ felt kinda bad... in the story TMZ said that if you're selling boot leg copies of your own DVDs your career must be over.  That feeling didn't last long when Byrone Turton came out of his room, and told Russ he had recorded the episode of TMZ on his VCR, and wondered if Russ could transfer it to DVD for him... for his "show" ...The Tyrone Burton show.

"Hey, what exactly is the Byrone Turton show?"

Oh well... you know how on "Martin" the show with Martin Lawrence... he would play different characters?  Like Roscoe?  The kid with snot always dripping down his nose?  Or Jerome?  The pimp? It's like that.  It's EXACTLY like that.  He does the SAME characters.

You mean... Warner Brothers didn't pick up your show?  Neither did BET?  Maybe it's because you're using material that's been done.

As for The Kids... they're loud and annoying in the morning... at like 9 and 10 am when the rest of the world is trying to sleep.

"Shaddup shaddup SHADDUP!"

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Coming up on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!" ...Pt 2 - The Drug Dealer... and more next time.  Stay tuned!