Note: If you're new, you should start reading from the beginning.
Previously on...
"Woah woah woah... hold up Russ... where the fuck have you been? You haven't updated your blog in like a month!"
"Where's your blog? Huh? HUH? Why don't you try having shitty things happen to you on a daily basis, and write about it, so you'll never forget... then have everyone tell you it's hilarious... little do they know you're sitting in the corner of Starbucks everyday, crying as you type up your newest blog update, and when the manager comes over and asks you what's wrong, you yell at him telling him that nothing's wrong, your allergies are just acting up, as he slowly backs up telling the other employee to call the police, you just yell 'Oh great, here's another hilarious situation I can write about! Fantastic!' At this point you're sobbing uncontrollably, you pack up your stuff and as you walk out you yell 'Fuck this! I don't need this place!! I come here to take shits and use your free internet!' Then you run down the street."
The Writers Strike is over folks... Can't promise posts everyday, but maybe once a week? Who knows.
So... previously on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
At one point while Russ was in Vegas he had to switch hotels.
"What? Why?"
"Patience, <insert your name here> my friend, you'll find out in a couple days."
The hotel he'd switched to was really cheap because it was newly renovated, and was really nice. There was a small casino, and a bar on the first floor that sold drinks... get this... at normal, reasonable prices. So one night, Russ went down to the bar, and sat there and drank for 3 or 4 hours.
The bar wasn't that busy, there were a few regulars, and then a few people who worked there that were just hanging out. At one point a couple came into the bar, that knew everyone else. The girl was hammered. After a little while the couple got into a fight, and the guy went up to their hotel room, while the girl stayed at the bar. The girl then would talk to one or two people for a little bit, then she'd move to another group... and she eventually got to Russ.
"Hi!"
"Hey..."
"What's your name?"
"Russ."
"Hi Russ I'm... (I don't remember her name so let's call her Liz) Liz."
"Hey..."
"So what are you doing here Russ?"
"Just hanging out drinking."
"No no no what are you doing HERE in Vegas?"
"Oh... I don't know really."
"You don't know?!"
"Well I kinda moved here... maybe?"
"Why would you move here?"
"Why not?"
"No why would you move here?"
"Uh... why not?"
"What do you do here?"
"I'm looking for work."
"You came here without a job?!?"
"Uh... yes."
"You're either crazy or really rich... right?"
"..."
"You're rich aren't you? Mr Money Bags over here."
"I guess."
"You know what? You're boring me. I'm going to talk to someone more entertaining."
"Go for it."
She stumbled away, and left Russ alone.
"Drunk bitch."
Russ had a few more drinks and then somehow made it back to his hotel room.
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With all the hustle and bustle of this LA lifestyle Russ needed to relax. He needed a drink. On a few of his nightly walks he'd passed a bar called "Jumbo's Clown Room" ...there weren't any windows so you couldn't see in, but there was always a chill looking crowd outside smoking. This was it. Tonight was the night he was going to check this place out.
Russ drover to the bar, which was only a 5-7 minute walk from where Russ was staying, but it was raining out...
"You don't have an umbrella?"
"Can I finish?"
...it was raining, AND Russ needed new shoes badly. He'd been wearing the same pair of shoes for over a year, so they were pretty worn... combine that with Russ constantly putting cigarettes out on the bottom of his shoes and what do you get? Russ knows the answer to this...
It only rained a few times in LA, but everytime it did Russ's shoes would fill up with water, then his socks would get wet, he'd be uncomfortable, and then his shoes, socks, and feet would smell bad.
"Here's an idea Russ... get new shoes!"
Note: I got new shoes like two days before leaving LA.
Anyways... let's just skip ahead to getting to the front door of the bar. Russ walks, (in his shoes and socks that ended up getting soaked anyways) up to the bouncer, who stares him up and down. Russ handed the bouncer his ID.
"You ever been to this place?"
"No."
"Well it's twenty-one and over... oh... you are over 21."
"Yep... is there a cover?"
The bouncer handed his ID back to Russ.
"No, but there's a two drink minimum."
Russ thought that was kind of weird for a bar, but he didn't mind. He'd probably have more than two drinks anyways.
"Oh ok... well do you guys take cards?"
"Yea... and there's also an ATM inside."
"Oh ok cool."
Russ started to walk into the bar.
"Oh and make sure you tip the girls."
"Uh...kay."
Russ walked into the bar, down the short hallway, turned the corner and the first thing that caught his eye was this hot girl on stage grinding a stripper pole.
"Hellooo."
The next thing Russ noticed was a bunch of dudes sitting as close to the stage as possible throwing plenty of ones up on the stage... oh excuse me... "making it rain" ... and a few girls in the audience cheering.
"Oh god dammit."
Russ just realized why there was a two drink minimum, and why the bouncer told him to tip the girls.
"Fuck!"
Russ thought about leaving. He didn't want to have to pay for drinks, and then tip the strippers. He stood there for a moment thinking to himself, and watching the girl on stage. Maybe he could get away with just getting one drink and then leaving. He walked up to the packed bar, found an opening, and eventually got the bartender's attention. He ordered his usual drink, a gin and tonic, gave the lady a ten dollar bill, and got 3 bucks back as change.
"7$?!? For this?!? Ugghh... god dammit."
He left the bartender a tip on the bar, then walked over to, and stood by the snack machine. He watched the girls one by one as they would come up on the stage in their underwear, they'd dance for a song, pick up their money and the next girl would come up. This would happen a few more times before Russ realized something.
"Wait a second... these girls aren't getting naked!!"
Now Russ really didn't want to stay. He wasn't going to tip some girl not getting naked while dancing to some song. It took him a few songs... the situation wasn't unbearable... but he finished his drink, and decided to try and make a run for it. He set his empty glass on the bar, and walked down the hallway, as he got outside he saw the bouncer.
"Hey man, you coming out to smoke?"
Russ panicked.
"Uh yea... yea."
Note: I'm pretty bad at coming up with lies on the spot. What I should of said is, "I left my cigs in the car" or something, but no... not quick enough. Example: I was at a bar hanging out with a friend one night in KC, and some annoying drunk dude came up to us, and started talking about random shit. He eventually introduced himself to us, and my friend, instead of saying his real name, replied saying his name was Chris. When it was my turn to introduce myself I paused for a moment, and the only thing I could think of was Russ, so I said Russ. What I immediately said in my head, "Doh!" My friend just looked at me like I was an idiot.
"You can smoke over there."
Russ was pointed to the designated smoking section. He pulled a cigarette out, and lit it up. He stood there by himself, constantly looking at the bouncer. Maybe he could just run away... before Russ could make a move, one of the strippers... I mean... one of the underwear dancers came out.
"Hey sweetie, you got a light?"
"Uh yea."
Russ took out his lighter and there was an awkward moment, where the girl may have wanted Russ to light the cigarette for her, but didn't... there was a slight pause, and then the girl took the lighter. She handed the lighter back.
"Thanks."
"Yea."
"I like your hair."
"Oh thanks..."
"You having a good time?"
"Uh... sure..."
"Oh good!"
"I actually didn't know what this place was... this is my first time here."
"Oh I like that!"
As Russ was talking some guy came out, and stood next to the girl. The guy pulled out a cigarette and asked for a light.
"Oh I don't have one, but he does."
Russ gave the dude his lighter, and got it back a second later.
"Thanks bro."
"Yea."
The underwear dancer turned her back to Russ and started talking to the guy.
"I like your hat..."
The guy had on some stupid hipster hat.
"Thanks I just picked this up the other day, cool right?"
"Yea it's cute! Are you having a good time tonight?"
"I am now, how about you?"
Really? Russ went back inside and ordered another drink. He watched a few more dances, and then the girl who used his lighter got on stage. Every time she glanced at Russ, Russ gave her a look that he hoped said "Fuck you bitch. I know your game, and you aren't getting a dime from me!" He probably looked like a total creep. Russ left a short while later, getting away with only tipping one girl he found attractive.
Note: When it comes to these types of situations... when you're in a strip club, or a "bikini bar" I think it's fair to only tip girls that you find attractive. Maybe that's fucked up, but it's my money right? If I'm spending my money I don't want some ugly broad dancing all up on me, no I want that to be a girl I find attractive. Maybe this isn't the best example, but when I go out to eat I don't pay for food I don't like right? A peanut butter sandwich isn't gonna sit on my lap, ask me if I want a bite, when I refuse it gets upset, and still wants a tip for it's time spent on my lap. Get the fuck off me sandwich.
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Next time on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Paranoia sets in... and Russ realizes just how alone he really is.
A young boy blossoms into a man, in this incredible true story about love, friendship, heartache, and betrayal.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
21) The Price is...n't Happening!!
Previously on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Russ was excited, he had tickets to a comedy show... Sarah Silverman and Friends at the Largo Theater. This was pretty much the only place Russ couldn't walk to. It was at least a twenty minute drive... usually around thirty with traffic. This would be the second show Russ will have seen at this theater, the first being The Benson Interruption with Doug Benson, Nick Swardson, Al Madrigal, Anthony Jeselnik, Sean Cullen, and Garfunkel & Oates... great show.
Anyways, Russ got to the theater a little later than he wanted to, he quickly tried to find a parking space, and found one about two blocks away. Walking at a fast pace, he finally made it to the theater...
But what's this...?
Sarah Silverman and Friends wasn't tonight. It was some other show. Russ started to worry... what if he had looked at the calendar wrong? What if it was the previous night and he missed it?
Noooooooooooooooo!
Russ pulled out his ticket, and saw that the show was actually tomorrow night. Close one.
"...but god dammit I drove all the way out here!!"
You probably don't think that's such a big deal, but parking sucks in LA... Russ knew by the time he got back to the apartment his space right in front of the building would be gone... and all for nothing.
"Fuck."
Russ got in his car, hit some wizard and cruised home. When he got to his apartment his parking spot was gone, so he parked about a block away. What had seemed like a somewhat shitty night would only get better in a couple hours... but that's a story for another day...
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How many posts are going to start out this way... Russ was so tired. So very very tired. Ha ha... anyways you all know Russ had failed to get to The Price is Right on time a couple weeks ago, luckily he had gotten another ticket for the 22nd... a Tuesday.
It's not hard at all to get tickets really... you just go online, and print one out. Luck doesn't really have anything to do with it.
Russ got back to the apartment late Monday night after a show, around 1:30, and was locked out of the apartment... AGAIN... but only for a little while. Someone eventually entered the building and let him in. When he got up to the apartment... it was hot as fuck... honestly it had to be at least 80 degrees in there... sooooo hot, he popped one of his sleeping pills, hopped into his jammies (tshirt and shorts), and laid down. He was really tired, and if he wanted to make it to The Price is Right he was going to have to get up at 5, to try and be at the studio around 6am.
Around 2am, The New Guy got home... (He just walked into Starbucks... I'm going to have to finish this post a little later... ok he's at another table.)
Note: Let me say that out of everyone in the apartment, I feel like I'm the only person trying to respect the fact that other people might be trying to sleep. So I have this little flashlight I use to navigate in the dark... obviously... and I try to be as quiet as possible. No one else does this... hey let's turn on as many lights as we can and make as much noise as fucking possible... just typing about this shit pisses me off.
So The New Guy gets home around 2, and who knows how the fuck he does this, but he passes out the moment he lays down... and fucking snores up a storm!! How the hell do people fall asleep so fast? Also if you snore you should try and do something about it if you plan on having room mates, or you sleep with someone else. Come on.
For an hour Russ laid there, tossing and turning in the heat, trying to listen to music, but not able to tune out the snoring sound. After awhile Russ couldn't handle it anymore, he went outside to the courtyard to smoke. Now under the influence of sleeping pills and wizard he decided to go for a walk. Great idea. Minutes later, and incredibly hungry he ended up at 7-11. After walking around 7-11 for about ten minutes...probably freaking the clerk out... he walked out with chili cheese nachos.
Note: I know, I know... it was a very weak moment for me... I was tired, hungry, pissed... eating junk food just this once made me feel a little better... at least until the heartburn set in.
Note to self: Don't eat 7-11 chili cheese nachos at 3am and then hope to get some sleep that night.
Russ walked back to the apartment, but decided to eat his nachos in his car. After eating he just decided to sit in his car for awhile. He started to doze off, and hopped in the back to lay down. It was chilly, and you know he was wearing shorts, so he grabbed a towel and covered himself up.
Even alone in his car, Russ couldn't get to sleep. He laid there until daybreak, and then went back into the apartment. Fuck going to The Price is Right... he didn't have the energy or patience to deal with any of that.
Later that evening Russ went to the local comedy theatre for a show, Doug Loves Movies... he always got to this show, which was free, two hours before it started so he could sit in the front row.
"Is sitting in the front row really that important?"
For this show it is. Half way through Doug Loves Movies, the celebrity panel each get to pick someone out of the audience to play the movie game show for. People in the audience wear name tags that they've made, and the each guest picks a name tag.
Note: People in the audience go all out making name tags. The first time I went I just stopped at CVS and picked up a pack of "Hello My Name is" name tags. I just wrote "Russ" on it in Sharpie, and wore that for the show. Other people though, put a lot more effort into this and make light up name tags... one guy wrote his name on a banana and got picked, one guy had a Price is Right name tag(fucker). The rest of the shows I've gone to, I've still used the "Hello My Name is" tags, but instead of just writing "Russ" on one, I write each letter of my name largely on each tag... 7 name tags all across my chest spelling Russell.
The celebrity who wins, their audience member gets a prize bag. This week Dave Foley, Jeff Garlin, and Christopher Mintz-Plasse (McLovin, and Red Mist, for those of you who aren't familiar with that name) were there. Like the three weeks before Russ didn't get picked.
"Awwwwwww."
That's okay, the show's still incredibly entertaining, and Russ's name has been mentioned the last two shows. The first time Russ was mentioned just as the host, Doug Benson, was reading off some of the name tags in the audience. The second time, Doug was listing off celebrity birthdays... this show was the day after Jennifer Love Hewitt's birthday, so he mentioned so.
How many people do you think clapped, or cheered after he mentioned it was Jennifer Love Hewitt's birthday? If you guessed one, you're correct! Who do you think that one person was? If you guessed Russ, you're correct!
Russ let out a short cheer, and clapped when he heard Doug mention that it had been J. Love's birthday the previous day. Doug looked at Russ, the only person who cheered and clapped and said...
"Well, Russ is excited about that."
Some of you know that Russ's celebrity crush (we all have them) for the greater part of his teenage years was the lovely Jennifer Love Hewitt. What a babe.
Note: I'm sorry J. Love, but I've moved on... you'll always have a piece of my heart though.
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Coming up on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Russ needs to relax, and decides to hit up a bar, but all is not what it seems at this local tavern... stick around.
Russ was excited, he had tickets to a comedy show... Sarah Silverman and Friends at the Largo Theater. This was pretty much the only place Russ couldn't walk to. It was at least a twenty minute drive... usually around thirty with traffic. This would be the second show Russ will have seen at this theater, the first being The Benson Interruption with Doug Benson, Nick Swardson, Al Madrigal, Anthony Jeselnik, Sean Cullen, and Garfunkel & Oates... great show.
Anyways, Russ got to the theater a little later than he wanted to, he quickly tried to find a parking space, and found one about two blocks away. Walking at a fast pace, he finally made it to the theater...
But what's this...?
Sarah Silverman and Friends wasn't tonight. It was some other show. Russ started to worry... what if he had looked at the calendar wrong? What if it was the previous night and he missed it?
Noooooooooooooooo!
Russ pulled out his ticket, and saw that the show was actually tomorrow night. Close one.
"...but god dammit I drove all the way out here!!"
You probably don't think that's such a big deal, but parking sucks in LA... Russ knew by the time he got back to the apartment his space right in front of the building would be gone... and all for nothing.
"Fuck."
Russ got in his car, hit some wizard and cruised home. When he got to his apartment his parking spot was gone, so he parked about a block away. What had seemed like a somewhat shitty night would only get better in a couple hours... but that's a story for another day...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many posts are going to start out this way... Russ was so tired. So very very tired. Ha ha... anyways you all know Russ had failed to get to The Price is Right on time a couple weeks ago, luckily he had gotten another ticket for the 22nd... a Tuesday.
It's not hard at all to get tickets really... you just go online, and print one out. Luck doesn't really have anything to do with it.
Russ got back to the apartment late Monday night after a show, around 1:30, and was locked out of the apartment... AGAIN... but only for a little while. Someone eventually entered the building and let him in. When he got up to the apartment... it was hot as fuck... honestly it had to be at least 80 degrees in there... sooooo hot, he popped one of his sleeping pills, hopped into his jammies (tshirt and shorts), and laid down. He was really tired, and if he wanted to make it to The Price is Right he was going to have to get up at 5, to try and be at the studio around 6am.
Around 2am, The New Guy got home... (He just walked into Starbucks... I'm going to have to finish this post a little later... ok he's at another table.)
Note: Let me say that out of everyone in the apartment, I feel like I'm the only person trying to respect the fact that other people might be trying to sleep. So I have this little flashlight I use to navigate in the dark... obviously... and I try to be as quiet as possible. No one else does this... hey let's turn on as many lights as we can and make as much noise as fucking possible... just typing about this shit pisses me off.
So The New Guy gets home around 2, and who knows how the fuck he does this, but he passes out the moment he lays down... and fucking snores up a storm!! How the hell do people fall asleep so fast? Also if you snore you should try and do something about it if you plan on having room mates, or you sleep with someone else. Come on.
For an hour Russ laid there, tossing and turning in the heat, trying to listen to music, but not able to tune out the snoring sound. After awhile Russ couldn't handle it anymore, he went outside to the courtyard to smoke. Now under the influence of sleeping pills and wizard he decided to go for a walk. Great idea. Minutes later, and incredibly hungry he ended up at 7-11. After walking around 7-11 for about ten minutes...probably freaking the clerk out... he walked out with chili cheese nachos.
Note: I know, I know... it was a very weak moment for me... I was tired, hungry, pissed... eating junk food just this once made me feel a little better... at least until the heartburn set in.
Note to self: Don't eat 7-11 chili cheese nachos at 3am and then hope to get some sleep that night.
Russ walked back to the apartment, but decided to eat his nachos in his car. After eating he just decided to sit in his car for awhile. He started to doze off, and hopped in the back to lay down. It was chilly, and you know he was wearing shorts, so he grabbed a towel and covered himself up.
Even alone in his car, Russ couldn't get to sleep. He laid there until daybreak, and then went back into the apartment. Fuck going to The Price is Right... he didn't have the energy or patience to deal with any of that.
Later that evening Russ went to the local comedy theatre for a show, Doug Loves Movies... he always got to this show, which was free, two hours before it started so he could sit in the front row.
"Is sitting in the front row really that important?"
For this show it is. Half way through Doug Loves Movies, the celebrity panel each get to pick someone out of the audience to play the movie game show for. People in the audience wear name tags that they've made, and the each guest picks a name tag.
Note: People in the audience go all out making name tags. The first time I went I just stopped at CVS and picked up a pack of "Hello My Name is" name tags. I just wrote "Russ" on it in Sharpie, and wore that for the show. Other people though, put a lot more effort into this and make light up name tags... one guy wrote his name on a banana and got picked, one guy had a Price is Right name tag(fucker). The rest of the shows I've gone to, I've still used the "Hello My Name is" tags, but instead of just writing "Russ" on one, I write each letter of my name largely on each tag... 7 name tags all across my chest spelling Russell.
The celebrity who wins, their audience member gets a prize bag. This week Dave Foley, Jeff Garlin, and Christopher Mintz-Plasse (McLovin, and Red Mist, for those of you who aren't familiar with that name) were there. Like the three weeks before Russ didn't get picked.
"Awwwwwww."
That's okay, the show's still incredibly entertaining, and Russ's name has been mentioned the last two shows. The first time Russ was mentioned just as the host, Doug Benson, was reading off some of the name tags in the audience. The second time, Doug was listing off celebrity birthdays... this show was the day after Jennifer Love Hewitt's birthday, so he mentioned so.
How many people do you think clapped, or cheered after he mentioned it was Jennifer Love Hewitt's birthday? If you guessed one, you're correct! Who do you think that one person was? If you guessed Russ, you're correct!
Russ let out a short cheer, and clapped when he heard Doug mention that it had been J. Love's birthday the previous day. Doug looked at Russ, the only person who cheered and clapped and said...
"Well, Russ is excited about that."
Some of you know that Russ's celebrity crush (we all have them) for the greater part of his teenage years was the lovely Jennifer Love Hewitt. What a babe.
Note: I'm sorry J. Love, but I've moved on... you'll always have a piece of my heart though.
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Coming up on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Russ needs to relax, and decides to hit up a bar, but all is not what it seems at this local tavern... stick around.
And now a word from our sponsors...
I'm going to take a break from my normal posting routine to mention a few things...
First... I'd like to give a shout out to all the friends who've helped me get through this shitty time. I don't really want to list names... but you all should know who you are, cause you're the ones reading this. I have like one friend here in LA, so it's been great being able to talk to you guys even if it's online, text, whatevs. You all will be awarded with gold stars.
Special shout out to Craig Brenner for actually coming to LA to hang out! You will be awarded a platinum star.
Second... I'd like plug some items that have also helped get my mind off things...
What I've been listening to:
This American Life - This has been great to listen to on the long car rides, and at night before I go to bed... so fucking good.
Kanye West "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy" - I know a lot of people think Kanye's a douchebag, but this albums actually pretty good.
Childish Gambino (Donald Glover) - You probably know this dude as Troy on Community, but did you know he's also a writer, and a hip hop singer? You can download his first album FOR FREE! If you like that you can get more of his music by searching for Childish Gambino on www.soundcloud.com. This is what I've been listening to the most... by most I mean like everyday.
What I've been playing:
GP2X Caanoo MAME/Console Emulator - I bought this for myself as a Christmas gift, since I knew I wouldn't have my PS3 or Xbox with me on my trip. What is this thing? It's pretty much a Gameboy type device, that you can download old school games onto... NES, Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis, Gameboy, Neo Geo Pocket, and Playstation games on to... you can put more on there, but those are what I play on it. 150$ and I've probably played with that thing for at least 40-50 hours so far... at least.
What I've been reading:
Black Hole
Richard Stark's Parker, Vol. 1: The Hunter
Planetary Vol. 4: Spacetime Archaeology
Fables: The Deluxe Edition Book One
SoulPancake: Chew on Life's Big Questions
What I've been watching:
Californication - Currently on season 3.
Big Love - Almost finished with season 3.
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World - Picked this up... Blu-Ray/DVD combo!
Sanctum 3D - Fuck this movie. I decided to see a movie instead of watch the Super Bowl, and it was between this and The Roommate. I decided on Sanctum, walked twenty minutes to the closest theater, and got in line to buy a ticket... a fucking ticket to this shitty movie cost me... 19.75$... I'm almost embarrassed to tell you all that's how much I paid, fucking ay. The theater was almost empty except for 4 gay dudes, and an old couple. There was absolutely no reason whatsoever that this movie should of been in 3D. I'm still really pissed off about this. Come on!! TWENTY BUCKS?!?!? I should of seen The Roommate, a movie that could be based off of someone I know...
and... sure why not tell you guys what I've been eating...
What I've been eating:
Turkey sammiches
Yogurt and granola
Baked Lays
Ok... back to our regular scheduled programming...
First... I'd like to give a shout out to all the friends who've helped me get through this shitty time. I don't really want to list names... but you all should know who you are, cause you're the ones reading this. I have like one friend here in LA, so it's been great being able to talk to you guys even if it's online, text, whatevs. You all will be awarded with gold stars.
Special shout out to Craig Brenner for actually coming to LA to hang out! You will be awarded a platinum star.
Second... I'd like plug some items that have also helped get my mind off things...
What I've been listening to:
This American Life - This has been great to listen to on the long car rides, and at night before I go to bed... so fucking good.
Kanye West "My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy" - I know a lot of people think Kanye's a douchebag, but this albums actually pretty good.
Childish Gambino (Donald Glover) - You probably know this dude as Troy on Community, but did you know he's also a writer, and a hip hop singer? You can download his first album FOR FREE! If you like that you can get more of his music by searching for Childish Gambino on www.soundcloud.com. This is what I've been listening to the most... by most I mean like everyday.
What I've been playing:
GP2X Caanoo MAME/Console Emulator - I bought this for myself as a Christmas gift, since I knew I wouldn't have my PS3 or Xbox with me on my trip. What is this thing? It's pretty much a Gameboy type device, that you can download old school games onto... NES, Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis, Gameboy, Neo Geo Pocket, and Playstation games on to... you can put more on there, but those are what I play on it. 150$ and I've probably played with that thing for at least 40-50 hours so far... at least.
What I've been reading:
Black Hole
Richard Stark's Parker, Vol. 1: The Hunter
Planetary Vol. 4: Spacetime Archaeology
Fables: The Deluxe Edition Book One
SoulPancake: Chew on Life's Big Questions
What I've been watching:
Californication - Currently on season 3.
Big Love - Almost finished with season 3.
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World - Picked this up... Blu-Ray/DVD combo!
Sanctum 3D - Fuck this movie. I decided to see a movie instead of watch the Super Bowl, and it was between this and The Roommate. I decided on Sanctum, walked twenty minutes to the closest theater, and got in line to buy a ticket... a fucking ticket to this shitty movie cost me... 19.75$... I'm almost embarrassed to tell you all that's how much I paid, fucking ay. The theater was almost empty except for 4 gay dudes, and an old couple. There was absolutely no reason whatsoever that this movie should of been in 3D. I'm still really pissed off about this. Come on!! TWENTY BUCKS?!?!? I should of seen The Roommate, a movie that could be based off of someone I know...
and... sure why not tell you guys what I've been eating...
What I've been eating:
Turkey sammiches
Yogurt and granola
Baked Lays
Ok... back to our regular scheduled programming...
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
20) The Mystery of the Mysterious Mistress... a Tale of Mystery.
Previously on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Any morning The Four Kids are at the apartment, around 8:30 or 9:00 they get up and get breakfast making as much noise as humanly possible. So, this is when Russ would wake up. He wouldn't get out of bed, but he'd lay there tired as fuck.
Sunday morning around 11:00 The Actor and The Four Kids would go to church, so Russ would just hang out until they left, get out of bed, shower, and head out before they all got back.
The Actor was helping his kids make breakfast, and was talking to his kids. At some point in the conversation The Actor had said the word "vengetta" in reference to one of the kids wanting to get back at one of the other kids. Russ had heard him, and said...
"It's 'vendetta' with a 'D'."
"...you want to 'get' revenge though... you sure Russ?"
"Yea, I'm sure."
"Yea I'm fucking 100% positive, but go ahead and keep saying 'vengetta' if you want. I don't give a shit."
When The Four Kids were finished eating their breakfast, they went back into their room and watched cartoons or played games. The Actor decided to make himself a sandwich. When he pulled out the cheese he didn't realize he had bought the cheese with holes in it at the store.
"Man, I gotta show my kids this..."
He walked back into his bedroom.
"Yo, this is the cheese Jerry's always eatin' in Tom and Jerry!" Said The Actor, way more excitedly than he should have.
Russ could of told him it was called Swiss Cheese, but Russ felt he had shared enough wisdom with The Actor today, and just didn't care. Apparently The Actor doesn't even like Swiss Cheese. There are people in the world who don't like cheese that's white... if it's not orange cheese, they don't like it. Russ was one of those people as a kid, but he doesn't see the world that way anymore, he accepts cheeses of all colors and creeds.
Cheese is fucking delicious.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Sundays Russ would go to two comedy shows at the local theatre. The first one was at 6, so he showed up around 5:15, and was probably 7th or 8th in line. He had his headphones on, and was listening to some Childish Gambino.
"Russell..."
Russ's heart skipped a beat... no one on the streets of LA should know his name. He turned and found it was this girl he'd seen in line at a couple other shows.
"Are you in line for Garlin, or Assscat?"
"Garlin."
"Oh ok, well I guess I need to be in the other line then."
She walked to the other line, and left Russ wondering how she knew his name.
When the show was over, Russ walked out, and first in line for the next show was a group of girls, including the one who knew his name. They all said goodbye to him as he walked down the street.
Russ had a couple hours to kill before the next show, so he went and grabbed a salad at the local grocery store. He sat in his car, ate the salad, played Super Nintendo games for an hour and a half, and then walked back to the theatre.
When Russ got pretty close to the theatre he saw there were already two people in line, some guy and the girl who knew Russ's name. He walked up and got in line behind the guy. The girl looked at him and smiled...
"You're back? Did you just stick around the area until now?"
"Oh I went and got some dinner."
"How was Jeff Garlin's show? I've never been."
"It was good, I really like that dude, he's funny and so nice... how was Assscat?" (An improv show)
"Oh it was really good, Tim Meadows stuck around so that was cool."
"Nice."
There was a brief moment of silence.
"You know I don't think we've formally been introduced, I'm Megan."
She stuck out her hand for Russ to shake.
"Russ."
They shook hands.
"Hi, I'm Jeff."
The guy standing between Russ and Megan also stuck his hand out towards Russ to shake.
"Uh... hey. Russ... nice to meet you."
Megan continued to talk to Russ.
"So do you live around here or something?"
"Oh yea I live pretty close... er... I'm staying pretty close."
"Staying... so you're just visiting?"
"Yea... I might be here until the end of next month."
"And then...?"
"Back to Kansas City for a friend's wedding."
"Oh that's cool, I'm from Pennsylvania."
"Cool-"
"I'm from Boston." Said Jeff, butting into the conversation.
"Uh cool."
The three of them talked for a little bit, Jeff had asked Megan where the rest of her friends were, and then eventually asked Russ the same thing.
"Oh uh... It's just me... I don't really know anyone here."
"You know us!" said Jeff.
Megan and Jeff laughed, Russ let out a soft chuckle...
"Yea..."
Russ didn't mind talking to Megan, but Jeff was kind of cock blockin'... and then someone else joined the line and stood next to Jeff. Jeff's boyfriend.
Note: I don't remember his name. I've been spacing out a lot... during conversations, while writing, etc.
The group chatted for a little while, asking Russ many questions about where he's been, why he's in LA, what shows he's been to... Russ had made some friends.
"Way to go Russy!"
Russ never actually found out how Megan knew his name, but he'll probably see her around again. Maybe tonight at the show he's going to... who knows? Nope she wasn't there.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Next time on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Stuff happens! You all are pretty much all caught up on what's happened so far. The Price is Right is tomorrow... so... stick around.
Any morning The Four Kids are at the apartment, around 8:30 or 9:00 they get up and get breakfast making as much noise as humanly possible. So, this is when Russ would wake up. He wouldn't get out of bed, but he'd lay there tired as fuck.
Sunday morning around 11:00 The Actor and The Four Kids would go to church, so Russ would just hang out until they left, get out of bed, shower, and head out before they all got back.
The Actor was helping his kids make breakfast, and was talking to his kids. At some point in the conversation The Actor had said the word "vengetta" in reference to one of the kids wanting to get back at one of the other kids. Russ had heard him, and said...
"It's 'vendetta' with a 'D'."
"...you want to 'get' revenge though... you sure Russ?"
"Yea, I'm sure."
"Yea I'm fucking 100% positive, but go ahead and keep saying 'vengetta' if you want. I don't give a shit."
When The Four Kids were finished eating their breakfast, they went back into their room and watched cartoons or played games. The Actor decided to make himself a sandwich. When he pulled out the cheese he didn't realize he had bought the cheese with holes in it at the store.
"Man, I gotta show my kids this..."
He walked back into his bedroom.
"Yo, this is the cheese Jerry's always eatin' in Tom and Jerry!" Said The Actor, way more excitedly than he should have.
Russ could of told him it was called Swiss Cheese, but Russ felt he had shared enough wisdom with The Actor today, and just didn't care. Apparently The Actor doesn't even like Swiss Cheese. There are people in the world who don't like cheese that's white... if it's not orange cheese, they don't like it. Russ was one of those people as a kid, but he doesn't see the world that way anymore, he accepts cheeses of all colors and creeds.
Cheese is fucking delicious.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Sundays Russ would go to two comedy shows at the local theatre. The first one was at 6, so he showed up around 5:15, and was probably 7th or 8th in line. He had his headphones on, and was listening to some Childish Gambino.
"Russell..."
Russ's heart skipped a beat... no one on the streets of LA should know his name. He turned and found it was this girl he'd seen in line at a couple other shows.
"Are you in line for Garlin, or Assscat?"
"Garlin."
"Oh ok, well I guess I need to be in the other line then."
She walked to the other line, and left Russ wondering how she knew his name.
When the show was over, Russ walked out, and first in line for the next show was a group of girls, including the one who knew his name. They all said goodbye to him as he walked down the street.
Russ had a couple hours to kill before the next show, so he went and grabbed a salad at the local grocery store. He sat in his car, ate the salad, played Super Nintendo games for an hour and a half, and then walked back to the theatre.
When Russ got pretty close to the theatre he saw there were already two people in line, some guy and the girl who knew Russ's name. He walked up and got in line behind the guy. The girl looked at him and smiled...
"You're back? Did you just stick around the area until now?"
"Oh I went and got some dinner."
"How was Jeff Garlin's show? I've never been."
"It was good, I really like that dude, he's funny and so nice... how was Assscat?" (An improv show)
"Oh it was really good, Tim Meadows stuck around so that was cool."
"Nice."
There was a brief moment of silence.
"You know I don't think we've formally been introduced, I'm Megan."
She stuck out her hand for Russ to shake.
"Russ."
They shook hands.
"Hi, I'm Jeff."
The guy standing between Russ and Megan also stuck his hand out towards Russ to shake.
"Uh... hey. Russ... nice to meet you."
Megan continued to talk to Russ.
"So do you live around here or something?"
"Oh yea I live pretty close... er... I'm staying pretty close."
"Staying... so you're just visiting?"
"Yea... I might be here until the end of next month."
"And then...?"
"Back to Kansas City for a friend's wedding."
"Oh that's cool, I'm from Pennsylvania."
"Cool-"
"I'm from Boston." Said Jeff, butting into the conversation.
"Uh cool."
The three of them talked for a little bit, Jeff had asked Megan where the rest of her friends were, and then eventually asked Russ the same thing.
"Oh uh... It's just me... I don't really know anyone here."
"You know us!" said Jeff.
Megan and Jeff laughed, Russ let out a soft chuckle...
"Yea..."
Russ didn't mind talking to Megan, but Jeff was kind of cock blockin'... and then someone else joined the line and stood next to Jeff. Jeff's boyfriend.
Note: I don't remember his name. I've been spacing out a lot... during conversations, while writing, etc.
The group chatted for a little while, asking Russ many questions about where he's been, why he's in LA, what shows he's been to... Russ had made some friends.
"Way to go Russy!"
Russ never actually found out how Megan knew his name, but he'll probably see her around again. Maybe tonight at the show he's going to... who knows? Nope she wasn't there.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Next time on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Stuff happens! You all are pretty much all caught up on what's happened so far. The Price is Right is tomorrow... so... stick around.
Monday, February 21, 2011
19) Byrone n' Russ Production Co!
Previously on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Friday The Actor celebrated his 32nd birthday. Friday was also the 2011 Celebrity All Star Game... Basketball game... I think that's the sport with the big orange ball you bounce around. Last year The Actor actually played in the All Star game... the Celebrity All Star game. Surprising right? They must be hurting for people to play.
Well this year The Actor wasn't on the roster to play, but it was his birthday, and he really wanted to play... more for the fact that it's some publicity than anything else. So he made some calls and got on the standby list.
Russ had heard The Prophet and Actor talking about going to the game around 4 or 4:30, so Russ thought he'd come back to the apartment around 5:30 or 6:00 and hang out for a few hours before going out. When he got to the apartment The Actor and The Prophet were still there waiting for their ride. Traffic was really bad due to the rain... which is ridiculous, because it's just rain.
Russ just laid in bed while The Actor stressed out about not getting to the game in time, and The Prophet just watched TV. Eventually their ride came and they left... apparently The Actor got to play in the second half, and scored 19 points or something? Nice I guess.
As an added bonus on his birthday, The Actor's kids didn't show up until 7am Saturday morning, instead of Friday night. Not a bonus for Russ who went out drinking for like the first time in a month and half, and was really hungover at 7am that morning.
"Fucking loud ass kids."
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Saturday morning, after getting like 3 hours of sleep The Actor has asked Russ if he could check out the footage of his acting gym. The Actor was on the way out with his kids to go shopping, and said he'd be back in 15 or 20 minutes so Russ told him he'd stick around. Two fucking hours, and after watching the original True Grit with John Wayne Russ decided to shower and leave.
Russ packed up his things, stopped by his car really quick out front, and started walking down the street.
What do you think happens next?
The Actor and The Four Kids were walking up the street towards Russ with a shitload of groceries.
"God dammit. God fucking dammit."
Russ stood on the sidewalk and waited for them to catch up to him. He offered to carry some of the groceries, took a few sacks, and walked with the group back to the apartment. When they got inside after everybody got settled, Russ pulled out his computer, and The Actor pulled up a chair. Russ had edited about a twenty minute version of the acting gym, so he gave The Actor some headphones and sat there while he watched it.
About a half an hour later, Russ had to pause the video a few times so The Actor could take a phone call and then yell at his kids, they had finished watching the video. The Actor told Russ that he had a DVD burner, and they should burn a bunch of copies of the acting class, and sell them on the street, so they could promote their talents.
"Who knows Russ, we get some of those DVDs out there, next thing you know, we're making money, and people see our skills, and then we're making more money cause they wanna use our skills. I get these DVDs out there, and people see that I teach acting, they'll wanna come check it out, come learn."
"Yea."
Note: My room mates love to hear themselves talk, it's hard to ever have a real conversation with them, so I'm usually just saying "yea" or "ok" every once in awhile, until they stop talking and I can do something else.
"Yea man, people see these DVD's and they ask, 'Who edited this together? Who shot this?' and boom Russ, you got people interested in your skills and you could start making money!"
"Yea... money's nice."
"I could be teachin' an acting class and you tell me you can't film because someone wants to pay you a couple hundred bucks that day to film something for them, or rent your camera."
"Yea man."
"I mean look Russ... I act, and direct, you shoot and edit... we have our own production team right here in the apartment!"
If you watched that short clip of the acting class that was posted the yesterday... Imagine two hours of that. Imagine you bought one of our DVD's on the street, you're excited... maybe you'll learn or pickup a couple things in the video to help with your acting skills, but then you get home and watch it. Not only have you wasted 5 or 10$ but also twenty minutes of your life are gone.
Note: The Actor actually has another acting class, or gym, today from 3-7, an hour longer than last time, and The Actor says there will be more students this time. Fuck that. I am not losing three hours of my life, to hear 7 people read the same bible scripture over and over again. I have important shit to do. There are a shitload of Youtube videos I haven't watched yet.
Anyways, after Russ and The Actor had finished watching the video, The Actor asked if Russ would take him to the post office really quick, it was just a few minutes away, Russ told him yes, not knowing the kids would have to come too. Couldn't they just sit in the apartment by themselves?
"That wouldn't be very responsible Russ."
"Fuck being responsible. Fuck kids."
They all hopped in the car and were off. The 3 minute drive took almost 15 minutes because of traffic, but they made it and pulled into the parking lot.
"Man, thanks for the ride Russ."
"No problem."
"See, I get to mail my brother this letter... he got locked up, and I can't go visit him, he's on the East coast."
"Oh yea?"
"So this will make him happy Russ, thanks."
"Uh huh."
The Actor got out of the car, and told the kids to wait in the car. Russ watched The Actor in the rear view mirror slowly walk over to this sports car, then he yelled out...
"Yo Russ!"
Still in the car with the windows down Russ replied...
"Yea?"
"Yo can you get a picture of me by this car?"
"Yea."
"Cool, cool."
Russ got out of the car, and so did the kids. The Actor handed Russ his camera phone, and told Russ to get a picture at a low angle. The Actor pulled out 3 copies of his DVD comedy play, fanned them out, and crouched in front of the car.
Note: Sorry, I don't know shit about cars. It was red. It had two doors... I know it was some kind of sports car, but that's it.
Russ took the picture as some dude slowly walked up to them. The Actor asked...
"Yo man is this your car?"
"Yea..."
"Oh cool, cool, I just wanted to get a picture in front of it really quick."
"Oh... ha ha right on."
"Cool, cool... yo man... you like comedy?"
"Um..."
"I got this comedy play... 10$ and it's yours."
"Oh... no thanks."
The guy got in his car and drove off. The Actor told the kids to get back in the car, and he headed into the post office. Russ got back in the car and fooled around on his iPhone for a bit. A few minutes later The Actor came out, and they all headed back to the apartment. Russ parked in front of the apartment, and they all got out.
Russ grabbed his bag and headed out on his own.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Next time on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Some woman talks to Russ on the street, and knows his name!?! Who is this mysterious lady? Also The Actor says some dumb shit...
Stick around...
Friday The Actor celebrated his 32nd birthday. Friday was also the 2011 Celebrity All Star Game... Basketball game... I think that's the sport with the big orange ball you bounce around. Last year The Actor actually played in the All Star game... the Celebrity All Star game. Surprising right? They must be hurting for people to play.
Well this year The Actor wasn't on the roster to play, but it was his birthday, and he really wanted to play... more for the fact that it's some publicity than anything else. So he made some calls and got on the standby list.
Russ had heard The Prophet and Actor talking about going to the game around 4 or 4:30, so Russ thought he'd come back to the apartment around 5:30 or 6:00 and hang out for a few hours before going out. When he got to the apartment The Actor and The Prophet were still there waiting for their ride. Traffic was really bad due to the rain... which is ridiculous, because it's just rain.
Russ just laid in bed while The Actor stressed out about not getting to the game in time, and The Prophet just watched TV. Eventually their ride came and they left... apparently The Actor got to play in the second half, and scored 19 points or something? Nice I guess.
As an added bonus on his birthday, The Actor's kids didn't show up until 7am Saturday morning, instead of Friday night. Not a bonus for Russ who went out drinking for like the first time in a month and half, and was really hungover at 7am that morning.
"Fucking loud ass kids."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday morning, after getting like 3 hours of sleep The Actor has asked Russ if he could check out the footage of his acting gym. The Actor was on the way out with his kids to go shopping, and said he'd be back in 15 or 20 minutes so Russ told him he'd stick around. Two fucking hours, and after watching the original True Grit with John Wayne Russ decided to shower and leave.
Russ packed up his things, stopped by his car really quick out front, and started walking down the street.
What do you think happens next?
The Actor and The Four Kids were walking up the street towards Russ with a shitload of groceries.
"God dammit. God fucking dammit."
Russ stood on the sidewalk and waited for them to catch up to him. He offered to carry some of the groceries, took a few sacks, and walked with the group back to the apartment. When they got inside after everybody got settled, Russ pulled out his computer, and The Actor pulled up a chair. Russ had edited about a twenty minute version of the acting gym, so he gave The Actor some headphones and sat there while he watched it.
About a half an hour later, Russ had to pause the video a few times so The Actor could take a phone call and then yell at his kids, they had finished watching the video. The Actor told Russ that he had a DVD burner, and they should burn a bunch of copies of the acting class, and sell them on the street, so they could promote their talents.
"Who knows Russ, we get some of those DVDs out there, next thing you know, we're making money, and people see our skills, and then we're making more money cause they wanna use our skills. I get these DVDs out there, and people see that I teach acting, they'll wanna come check it out, come learn."
"Yea."
Note: My room mates love to hear themselves talk, it's hard to ever have a real conversation with them, so I'm usually just saying "yea" or "ok" every once in awhile, until they stop talking and I can do something else.
"Yea man, people see these DVD's and they ask, 'Who edited this together? Who shot this?' and boom Russ, you got people interested in your skills and you could start making money!"
"Yea... money's nice."
"I could be teachin' an acting class and you tell me you can't film because someone wants to pay you a couple hundred bucks that day to film something for them, or rent your camera."
"Yea man."
"I mean look Russ... I act, and direct, you shoot and edit... we have our own production team right here in the apartment!"
If you watched that short clip of the acting class that was posted the yesterday... Imagine two hours of that. Imagine you bought one of our DVD's on the street, you're excited... maybe you'll learn or pickup a couple things in the video to help with your acting skills, but then you get home and watch it. Not only have you wasted 5 or 10$ but also twenty minutes of your life are gone.
Note: The Actor actually has another acting class, or gym, today from 3-7, an hour longer than last time, and The Actor says there will be more students this time. Fuck that. I am not losing three hours of my life, to hear 7 people read the same bible scripture over and over again. I have important shit to do. There are a shitload of Youtube videos I haven't watched yet.
Anyways, after Russ and The Actor had finished watching the video, The Actor asked if Russ would take him to the post office really quick, it was just a few minutes away, Russ told him yes, not knowing the kids would have to come too. Couldn't they just sit in the apartment by themselves?
"That wouldn't be very responsible Russ."
"Fuck being responsible. Fuck kids."
They all hopped in the car and were off. The 3 minute drive took almost 15 minutes because of traffic, but they made it and pulled into the parking lot.
"Man, thanks for the ride Russ."
"No problem."
"See, I get to mail my brother this letter... he got locked up, and I can't go visit him, he's on the East coast."
"Oh yea?"
"So this will make him happy Russ, thanks."
"Uh huh."
The Actor got out of the car, and told the kids to wait in the car. Russ watched The Actor in the rear view mirror slowly walk over to this sports car, then he yelled out...
"Yo Russ!"
Still in the car with the windows down Russ replied...
"Yea?"
"Yo can you get a picture of me by this car?"
"Yea."
"Cool, cool."
Russ got out of the car, and so did the kids. The Actor handed Russ his camera phone, and told Russ to get a picture at a low angle. The Actor pulled out 3 copies of his DVD comedy play, fanned them out, and crouched in front of the car.
Note: Sorry, I don't know shit about cars. It was red. It had two doors... I know it was some kind of sports car, but that's it.
Russ took the picture as some dude slowly walked up to them. The Actor asked...
"Yo man is this your car?"
"Yea..."
"Oh cool, cool, I just wanted to get a picture in front of it really quick."
"Oh... ha ha right on."
"Cool, cool... yo man... you like comedy?"
"Um..."
"I got this comedy play... 10$ and it's yours."
"Oh... no thanks."
The guy got in his car and drove off. The Actor told the kids to get back in the car, and he headed into the post office. Russ got back in the car and fooled around on his iPhone for a bit. A few minutes later The Actor came out, and they all headed back to the apartment. Russ parked in front of the apartment, and they all got out.
Russ grabbed his bag and headed out on his own.
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Next time on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Some woman talks to Russ on the street, and knows his name!?! Who is this mysterious lady? Also The Actor says some dumb shit...
Stick around...
Sunday, February 20, 2011
18) Meet the room mates... Pt. 5 The New Guy?
Previously on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Over nine months ago, The Drug Dealer and his girlfriend were separated... separated by her father. What?! Why? How come? Huh? Because they were both addicted to heroine. 9 months later, now clean...although she still looks like she does drugs... the girlfriend moved here to LA to be with her man. The Drug Dealer moved out of the apartment with Russ and his rag tag crew, to an apartment down the street with his lady, and they lived happily ever after. The end?
Ha ha yea right.
Their story doesn't end there... when on probation, The Drug Dealer fails a drug test, and has to go to court to find out his punishment. Jail time or rehab? The Drug Dealer now has to go to rehab for 6 weeks, and the two will be separated again. Will their love triumph? At least they got to spend a week together.
Note: Oh shit I need to get my bike lock back from that dude... I hope it's not too late. Fuck.
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When Russ left one morning, The Actor informed him that when he got back, they might have a new room mate.
"Hey when you get back tonight Russ, the new guy might be here."
"Cool... what's his name?"
"WALL-E... or Wall-ay?" (I'm sure he meant Wally, but when he said it I thought of the robot.)
The thought of having a robot room mate excited Russ
"Cool."
Russ got home that night, and The New Guy wasn't there. 15 minutes later The New Guy showed up. After a day and a half of being on the bus, he had finally made it here to LA from Austin, Texas. Russ didn't know what to think of The New Guy... he's really quiet, has a shit load of stuff... boxes, two huge suitcases, a couple small suitcases... He also didn't come home... "home" ha ha... He also didn't come back to the apartment last night.
Two days later his stuff is still there, but he hasn't been around. No one's mentioned anything.
Was The New Guy okay? Had the mean streets of LA already overtaken him? Russ didn't really care.
Maybe a day or two from now when this goes online, Russ would have a more interesting story about The New Guy.
(Two days later... nope.)
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This post was kind of lacking so here's a treat...
I cut out a few minutes of the acting class and edited this together real quick. Enjoy
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Coming up next time on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Russ spends some quality time with The Actor and The Four Kids.
Over nine months ago, The Drug Dealer and his girlfriend were separated... separated by her father. What?! Why? How come? Huh? Because they were both addicted to heroine. 9 months later, now clean...although she still looks like she does drugs... the girlfriend moved here to LA to be with her man. The Drug Dealer moved out of the apartment with Russ and his rag tag crew, to an apartment down the street with his lady, and they lived happily ever after. The end?
Ha ha yea right.
Their story doesn't end there... when on probation, The Drug Dealer fails a drug test, and has to go to court to find out his punishment. Jail time or rehab? The Drug Dealer now has to go to rehab for 6 weeks, and the two will be separated again. Will their love triumph? At least they got to spend a week together.
Note: Oh shit I need to get my bike lock back from that dude... I hope it's not too late. Fuck.
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When Russ left one morning, The Actor informed him that when he got back, they might have a new room mate.
"Hey when you get back tonight Russ, the new guy might be here."
"Cool... what's his name?"
"WALL-E... or Wall-ay?" (I'm sure he meant Wally, but when he said it I thought of the robot.)
The thought of having a robot room mate excited Russ
"Cool."
Russ got home that night, and The New Guy wasn't there. 15 minutes later The New Guy showed up. After a day and a half of being on the bus, he had finally made it here to LA from Austin, Texas. Russ didn't know what to think of The New Guy... he's really quiet, has a shit load of stuff... boxes, two huge suitcases, a couple small suitcases... He also didn't come home... "home" ha ha... He also didn't come back to the apartment last night.
Two days later his stuff is still there, but he hasn't been around. No one's mentioned anything.
Was The New Guy okay? Had the mean streets of LA already overtaken him? Russ didn't really care.
Maybe a day or two from now when this goes online, Russ would have a more interesting story about The New Guy.
(Two days later... nope.)
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This post was kind of lacking so here's a treat...
I cut out a few minutes of the acting class and edited this together real quick. Enjoy
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Coming up next time on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Russ spends some quality time with The Actor and The Four Kids.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
17) "A gym? What's a gym? Ohhhhhhh a gym."
To get that reference watch the first twenty seconds of this!
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Previously on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Russ got to the coffee shop a little later than normal this morning, but he was able to sit at a table with a power outlet, and behind some old man, who was just sitting at a table.
After about a half hour, the old man started talking to himself. Russ was sitting maybe four or five feet away from the man, but couldn't tell what he was saying, as the man was mumbling. Then the man started yelling random nonsensical words and phrases. Russ just watched with his headphones on.
A few minutes later a customer came up to the old man, put his hand on the old man's shoulder and told him to chill out, or someone was going to call the cops, and then left.
The old man continued to yell.
"IT'S UPSTAIRS, IT'S UPSTAIRS, THE WALL JOHN IS UPSTAIRS!"
What was this guys deal? One of the managers at the coffee shop came up to the man, and said quietly...
"Listen, I can't have you yelling in here ok? You're going to scare people away."
The manager also put his hand on the old man's shoulder.
"Ok?"
"GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!"
The manager jumped back a bit, and walked away scared.
Awhile later some kid came into the coffee shop with some fast food and sat in the corner up front. The old man got up and walked over to the kid, and sat down. From what Russ could see, it just looked like they were talking.
A few minutes went by, and the police walked in the shop, and walked past the old man who said...
"Oh someone called the cops, SOMEONE CALLED THE COPS!?"
The police went and talked to the manager, who pointed to the old man. The police walked over to the old man and told him to step outside with them, so he did. Minutes later the old man walked back inside and went up the kid eating fast food, the police followed him inside.
"LOOK WHAT YOU DID!"
The kid stood up in front of the old man.
"What'd I do?"
The old man raised his fist, and was about to attack the kid, when one of the officers threw the old man on the ground and cuffed him. The kid stood there, looking scared. The police drug the old man outside, and frisked him in the parking lot. The kid sat back down by himself, and continued to eat his fast food.
"I didn't do anything! I was just sitting here!! I didn't do shit!!!"
Who are you talking to kid? Twenty or so minutes later, the police and the old man were gone, and the coffee shop was at peace.
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The Prophet left early one morning to go to work, and since the kids had finally left the apartment, Russ thought he might be able to sleep in a couple more hours. Ha ha right. In your dreams Russ.
The Actor came into the room, and like any normal person Russ opened his eyes to see who had entered the room, Russ saw The Actor standing there holding a big case.
"Russ good you're awake."
"Uh... hey..."
"Every few weeks I teach an acting class..."
"Yea."
"...or as I like to call it, an "Acting Gym" because much like athletes go to the gym to work out, and become stronger, actors need to "work out" their acting skills see?"
"Ok..."
"Anyways I have one this afternoon, from 4 to 6, and I was wondering if you could film it, it'd be nice to have the actors be able to see how they do."
"Um... well... where's it at?"
The Actor pointed to the corner of the room where The Drug Dealer had been sleeping.
"Here?"
"Yea I move some things around, set up a couple chairs, and we do it here."
"Uh... okay... well... how many people are going to be here?"
"Last time we had... let's see... 8 or 9... 9... we had my four kids and then..."
The Actor held out his hand and started counting on his fingers...
"1-2-3-4-5... then there were 5 more kids besides mine."
"Ok... well if you promise to be done by 6, then yea, I can do it."
"Thank you man, thank you."
"So I'm going to shower, and go out, I'll be back by 3:30."
"Can you setup your camera before you go, in case you're not here."
"No, i'll be here."
"Well if you're not here, can I setup the camera?"
"I'll be here man, by 3:30... it's not til 4 right?"
"Right, but in case you're not here..."
"Man, i'm just going to be a block away, if I'm not here by 3:30 I've been killed."
"Aw, man, I hope that doesn't happen... you don't want to die, before accepting God's love."
"Right..."
"But just in case you're not here by 4, I can setup the camera?"
"Fine man, yes. If I'm not here, it means I'm dead, and I hope that if I die, you'd maybe have bigger things to worry about than your acting class."
"Oh Russ, ha ha ha ha."
Russ left, and came back at 3:15, because he really didn't want The Actor touching his camera.
4 o'clock rolled around, the time the class was supposed to start, and The Actor told Russ to let the students in when they got here, and have them sign in. He handed Russ a clip board with a piece of paper that had been ripped out of a notebook. The Actor had written at the top of the paper, "Acting Gym Sign In Sheet" and below that, "Name, Number, Email" with shitty lines seperating columns.
The Actor was running the class, excuse me, gym and had even signed in.
"Would you mind signing in too Russ?"
"Really? ...ok."
Russ put his name and phone number down, but a fake email address.
The Actor went into his room, and the first student showed up. Russ told her to sign in, have a seat, and that The Actor would be out in a moment. Russ was sitting down waiting, watching "How I Met Your Mother" on TV. The girl signed in, took the remote off the table, and sat down. She changed the channel to some dumb show on VH1. Russ just finished setting up his camera.
A half hour after the gym was supposed to start, The Actor came out of his room and talked to the student. A little while later a second student showed up. The Actor seemed to know the two girls really well, like they might even be related somehow, cousins maybe.
For the next hour and a half, The Actor, and the two teenage girls read the same bible scripture over and over again, taking turns. Here's what was read... or at least this is pretty close:
Girl: "Rabbi, we know that thou are a teacher cometh from God, but no man could doeth these miracles that God doeth besides God, be with him"
The Actor: "Verily, verily, I say unto thee, except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God."
Girl: "How can a man be born when he is old? Can he enter the second time into his mother's womb, and be born?"
The Actor: "Verily, verily, I say unto thee, except a man be born of the water and of the spirit he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. That is which born of the flesh, is flesh, and that which is born of the spirit, is spirit. Marvel not what I said unto thee, you must be born again."
Good stuff right? The girls, both of them, couldn't for the life of them pronounce the word "Rabbi" correctly. Also, almost every time The Actor said the word "spirit" he'd make a hand motion of wind moving upwards, and make a blowing sound, like wind. Russ had a considerably hard time trying not to laugh every time this happened.
Note: I secretly uploaded the footage to my computer in the middle of the night while everyone was sleeping... I will upload a clip on Youtube and post the link here, when it's available.
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A week or so before he moved out, The Drug Dealer had informed Russ that he played drums in a band, and they had a show coming up that Russ should come to. Russ told him he'd go.
Russ got a call one morning and The Drug Dealer told him the show was that night, and he needed Russ's full name to put on the guest list, and wanted to give Russ the address. Later when Russ plugged the address into his phone, he found out the the club the show was at was a fucking hour away from where Russ was staying.
The night after filming the acting gym, Russ headed to the concert. He got there early, and walked around for a bit. When he got in front of the club, he saw The Drug Dealer who thanked him for coming, and told him that Russ was the only person who actually showed up.
As the band was setting up, The Drug Dealer asked...
"Hey Russ, you wanna film us play?"
"Oh uh... I didn't bring my camera."
"Oh it's okay, we brought one."
"God dammit."
"Okay, sure."
By the time the band started, and Russ started filming, there were 6 people in the audience, including Russ, and The Drug Dealer's girlfriend. They started playing.
"You know that sound you're looking for? Well... don't listen to this, this isn't it."
Forty-five minutes later the band was finished playing, and maybe two or three more people had shown up... probably to see the next band play. Russ went up to The Drug Dealer and told him good job, handing the camera to him. The Drug Dealer thanked him for coming and started loading his drum set into his car. Russ left, and got back to the apartment an hour later.
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Coming up next time on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
A new room mate?!?!
...and what's life like for The Drug Dealer now that he's moved out? Find out next time!!
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Previously on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Russ got to the coffee shop a little later than normal this morning, but he was able to sit at a table with a power outlet, and behind some old man, who was just sitting at a table.
After about a half hour, the old man started talking to himself. Russ was sitting maybe four or five feet away from the man, but couldn't tell what he was saying, as the man was mumbling. Then the man started yelling random nonsensical words and phrases. Russ just watched with his headphones on.
A few minutes later a customer came up to the old man, put his hand on the old man's shoulder and told him to chill out, or someone was going to call the cops, and then left.
The old man continued to yell.
"IT'S UPSTAIRS, IT'S UPSTAIRS, THE WALL JOHN IS UPSTAIRS!"
What was this guys deal? One of the managers at the coffee shop came up to the man, and said quietly...
"Listen, I can't have you yelling in here ok? You're going to scare people away."
The manager also put his hand on the old man's shoulder.
"Ok?"
"GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!"
The manager jumped back a bit, and walked away scared.
Awhile later some kid came into the coffee shop with some fast food and sat in the corner up front. The old man got up and walked over to the kid, and sat down. From what Russ could see, it just looked like they were talking.
A few minutes went by, and the police walked in the shop, and walked past the old man who said...
"Oh someone called the cops, SOMEONE CALLED THE COPS!?"
The police went and talked to the manager, who pointed to the old man. The police walked over to the old man and told him to step outside with them, so he did. Minutes later the old man walked back inside and went up the kid eating fast food, the police followed him inside.
"LOOK WHAT YOU DID!"
The kid stood up in front of the old man.
"What'd I do?"
The old man raised his fist, and was about to attack the kid, when one of the officers threw the old man on the ground and cuffed him. The kid stood there, looking scared. The police drug the old man outside, and frisked him in the parking lot. The kid sat back down by himself, and continued to eat his fast food.
"I didn't do anything! I was just sitting here!! I didn't do shit!!!"
Who are you talking to kid? Twenty or so minutes later, the police and the old man were gone, and the coffee shop was at peace.
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The Prophet left early one morning to go to work, and since the kids had finally left the apartment, Russ thought he might be able to sleep in a couple more hours. Ha ha right. In your dreams Russ.
The Actor came into the room, and like any normal person Russ opened his eyes to see who had entered the room, Russ saw The Actor standing there holding a big case.
"Russ good you're awake."
"Uh... hey..."
"Every few weeks I teach an acting class..."
"Yea."
"...or as I like to call it, an "Acting Gym" because much like athletes go to the gym to work out, and become stronger, actors need to "work out" their acting skills see?"
"Ok..."
"Anyways I have one this afternoon, from 4 to 6, and I was wondering if you could film it, it'd be nice to have the actors be able to see how they do."
"Um... well... where's it at?"
The Actor pointed to the corner of the room where The Drug Dealer had been sleeping.
"Here?"
"Yea I move some things around, set up a couple chairs, and we do it here."
"Uh... okay... well... how many people are going to be here?"
"Last time we had... let's see... 8 or 9... 9... we had my four kids and then..."
The Actor held out his hand and started counting on his fingers...
"1-2-3-4-5... then there were 5 more kids besides mine."
"Ok... well if you promise to be done by 6, then yea, I can do it."
"Thank you man, thank you."
"So I'm going to shower, and go out, I'll be back by 3:30."
"Can you setup your camera before you go, in case you're not here."
"No, i'll be here."
"Well if you're not here, can I setup the camera?"
"I'll be here man, by 3:30... it's not til 4 right?"
"Right, but in case you're not here..."
"Man, i'm just going to be a block away, if I'm not here by 3:30 I've been killed."
"Aw, man, I hope that doesn't happen... you don't want to die, before accepting God's love."
"Right..."
"But just in case you're not here by 4, I can setup the camera?"
"Fine man, yes. If I'm not here, it means I'm dead, and I hope that if I die, you'd maybe have bigger things to worry about than your acting class."
"Oh Russ, ha ha ha ha."
Russ left, and came back at 3:15, because he really didn't want The Actor touching his camera.
4 o'clock rolled around, the time the class was supposed to start, and The Actor told Russ to let the students in when they got here, and have them sign in. He handed Russ a clip board with a piece of paper that had been ripped out of a notebook. The Actor had written at the top of the paper, "Acting Gym Sign In Sheet" and below that, "Name, Number, Email" with shitty lines seperating columns.
The Actor was running the class, excuse me, gym and had even signed in.
"Would you mind signing in too Russ?"
"Really? ...ok."
Russ put his name and phone number down, but a fake email address.
The Actor went into his room, and the first student showed up. Russ told her to sign in, have a seat, and that The Actor would be out in a moment. Russ was sitting down waiting, watching "How I Met Your Mother" on TV. The girl signed in, took the remote off the table, and sat down. She changed the channel to some dumb show on VH1. Russ just finished setting up his camera.
A half hour after the gym was supposed to start, The Actor came out of his room and talked to the student. A little while later a second student showed up. The Actor seemed to know the two girls really well, like they might even be related somehow, cousins maybe.
For the next hour and a half, The Actor, and the two teenage girls read the same bible scripture over and over again, taking turns. Here's what was read... or at least this is pretty close:
Girl: "Rabbi, we know that thou are a teacher cometh from God, but no man could doeth these miracles that God doeth besides God, be with him"
The Actor: "Verily, verily, I say unto thee, except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God."
Girl: "How can a man be born when he is old? Can he enter the second time into his mother's womb, and be born?"
The Actor: "Verily, verily, I say unto thee, except a man be born of the water and of the spirit he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. That is which born of the flesh, is flesh, and that which is born of the spirit, is spirit. Marvel not what I said unto thee, you must be born again."
Good stuff right? The girls, both of them, couldn't for the life of them pronounce the word "Rabbi" correctly. Also, almost every time The Actor said the word "spirit" he'd make a hand motion of wind moving upwards, and make a blowing sound, like wind. Russ had a considerably hard time trying not to laugh every time this happened.
Note: I secretly uploaded the footage to my computer in the middle of the night while everyone was sleeping... I will upload a clip on Youtube and post the link here, when it's available.
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A week or so before he moved out, The Drug Dealer had informed Russ that he played drums in a band, and they had a show coming up that Russ should come to. Russ told him he'd go.
Russ got a call one morning and The Drug Dealer told him the show was that night, and he needed Russ's full name to put on the guest list, and wanted to give Russ the address. Later when Russ plugged the address into his phone, he found out the the club the show was at was a fucking hour away from where Russ was staying.
The night after filming the acting gym, Russ headed to the concert. He got there early, and walked around for a bit. When he got in front of the club, he saw The Drug Dealer who thanked him for coming, and told him that Russ was the only person who actually showed up.
As the band was setting up, The Drug Dealer asked...
"Hey Russ, you wanna film us play?"
"Oh uh... I didn't bring my camera."
"Oh it's okay, we brought one."
"God dammit."
"Okay, sure."
By the time the band started, and Russ started filming, there were 6 people in the audience, including Russ, and The Drug Dealer's girlfriend. They started playing.
"You know that sound you're looking for? Well... don't listen to this, this isn't it."
Forty-five minutes later the band was finished playing, and maybe two or three more people had shown up... probably to see the next band play. Russ went up to The Drug Dealer and told him good job, handing the camera to him. The Drug Dealer thanked him for coming and started loading his drum set into his car. Russ left, and got back to the apartment an hour later.
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Coming up next time on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
A new room mate?!?!
...and what's life like for The Drug Dealer now that he's moved out? Find out next time!!
Friday, February 18, 2011
16) The Prodigious Adventures of The Prophet pt. 2!
Today is The Actor's birthday, he is 32... Happy Birthday guy.
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Previously on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Russ isn't the biggest fan of Valentine's Day... not for the typical, "Oh I'm single, Valentine's Day sucks!" reason either... like a lot of people... which Russ was fine with. If you don't like Valentine's Day, you don't like Valentine's Day. He was also fine with the people who really get into Valentine's Day. People like what they like, who cares. Russ's mother passed away on Valentine's Day, so it's usually a tough day for him to get through.
He had tickets to an awesome comedy show, and decided he'd take himself out to a nice dinner. Russ had been watching what he ate, trying to count calories, and eat better, so he was eating a lot of turkey sandwiches, and... well that's like it. So a meal out somewhere sounded nice.
After checking in, and getting his seating arrangement taken care of for the show, he walked around for awhile. He had seen a Chipotle around, and that sounded pretty good, but he decided to look around a bit more when he saw it...
"Souplantation" An all you can eat buffet type restaurant. There tag line was "Soups. Salads. Bakery"
"Holy shit! All you can eat baked goods?!?"
Russ didn't want to be the guy who ate at an all you can eat buffet by himself, especially not on Valentine's Day, but all you can eat baked goods? Who could resist? Not Russ.
Note: I have no regrets.
After dinner, he went to the show, laughed his ass off, and even got a Valentine's Day card. Pretty good way to spend a Valentine's Day don't you think?
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Russ was tired, oh so very tired. He got home after his Valentine's Day evening around midnight, and wanted to fall asleep immediately... all he wanted was sleep. He was maybe getting 2-3 hours a night... maybe. Even taking the sleeping pills, he'd just lay there awake, but completely out of it. Those things are going to ruin him in the end... he probably shouldn't of looked up the side effects.
The Drug Dealer had just moved out, so Russ had one less person to worry about keeping him awake at night. The Prophet was still a problem though. That night The Prophet got out of bed around 1:00am and decided to eat some food. He fucking cooked up an omelet, came back in the room and ate that, then went and poured himself a bowl of cereal, came back to the room and ate that, then finished eating he turned on the TV and started watching some religious shit.
While Russ laid there, he kept hearing The Prophet giggling, when Russ looked over The Prophet was taking pictures of the TV with his iPhone.
"What the fuck is this guy doing?"
Russ managed to fall asleep eventually, until the next morning when The Prophet and The Actor struck up a conversation about religion, and some dude named Jesus.
The Drug Dealer had moved out, so The Actor thought he do some cleaning in the room. When they both saw Russ was awake they included him in the conversation
"Russ, it would be an honor if you accepted Jesus, and God's love into your life, a real honor man."
"Well I guess you guys have another 6 weeks to convince me heh heh..."
They didn't laugh.
Somehow the conversation shifted course for a little bit, to talk about some comedy movie Robert Townsend was in where he was a slave. The Actor and The Prophet were joking around, talking about slaves... they were making jokes, and doing the whole "Masta, masta, we's were doin ours jobs..." or whatever.
The Prophet said...
"See Russ you're supposed to laugh, this is what it's like hanging around black people, we joke about this kinda stuff."
Russ thought to himself...
"Oh really? Cause I've never hung out with any black people, we don't have them in Kansas City, oh also I know when to laugh. You laugh when something's funny."
The Prophet gathered his things up, and left. The Actor continued his cleaning, and talking to Russ for awhile. He talked about his life when he was younger, and before he really accepted God's love... he used to steal cars, sell drugs, curse, and he had always believed in God, but then one day he decided to accept God's love, and changed his ways.
"You see Russ, when I auditioned for the part of TK on Warner Brother's show Parent'Hood, I had God's love on my side and I got the part."
"Yea."
"You know who else auditioned for the part?"
"Who?"
"Usher."
"Oh yea?"
"I had God's love on my side so I got the part."
"So... is Usher not religious...?"
"Oh... uh... I don't know, but what I'm getting at is if you want to go farther in life, you need to have God's love on your side, live your life in God's light."
"Ok..."
"Russ, if you accept God's love, you could be bigger than Spielberg, or just as big as Spielberg, who knows?"
"So you don't think people get where they are in life with their talents, and their smarts?"
"Well, you go farther with God on your side."
"I mean... there's got to be rich and famous people out there that don't believe in God right?"
"Ok Russ, get this... would you rather be rich and happy here, and then after you die, spend the rest of eternity with God, or rich and not happy, and when you die you go to hell?"
"Well... uh... that doesn't seem like a very fair question, but... obviously I want to be happy."
"See? In the end, everyone who accepts God will spend eternity with him, and God will cast aside everyone else."
"Well that doesn't seem very fair."
"Everyone has their chance to accept God Russ."
"What about other cultures that are raised differently, with different beliefs. You grow up accepting the beliefs you were taught, and if they die, God just casts them aside?"
"Russ, everyone has their chance... God is everywhere. You go to a hotel what do you find in the room?"
"Uh..."
"A Bible."
"Ok..."
"When you turn on the TV, do you ever see those religious infomercials?"
"Uh... sometimes I guess..."
"There you go, you see, God is everywhere."
"I don't think everyone in the world has been to a hotel, and obviously not everyone has a television..."
The only way this conversation was going to end if Russ just kind of played along, and just heard The Actor out until he was finished talking... or... until The Actor got a phone call, and Russ hopped in the shower. Thank you God.
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Next time on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
The Actor wakes Russ up one morning, and asks Russ for help... will Russ help?
The Drug Dealer's band has a concert, and asks Russ to come... will Russ go?
This and more... next time.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Previously on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Russ isn't the biggest fan of Valentine's Day... not for the typical, "Oh I'm single, Valentine's Day sucks!" reason either... like a lot of people... which Russ was fine with. If you don't like Valentine's Day, you don't like Valentine's Day. He was also fine with the people who really get into Valentine's Day. People like what they like, who cares. Russ's mother passed away on Valentine's Day, so it's usually a tough day for him to get through.
He had tickets to an awesome comedy show, and decided he'd take himself out to a nice dinner. Russ had been watching what he ate, trying to count calories, and eat better, so he was eating a lot of turkey sandwiches, and... well that's like it. So a meal out somewhere sounded nice.
After checking in, and getting his seating arrangement taken care of for the show, he walked around for awhile. He had seen a Chipotle around, and that sounded pretty good, but he decided to look around a bit more when he saw it...
"Souplantation" An all you can eat buffet type restaurant. There tag line was "Soups. Salads. Bakery"
"Holy shit! All you can eat baked goods?!?"
Russ didn't want to be the guy who ate at an all you can eat buffet by himself, especially not on Valentine's Day, but all you can eat baked goods? Who could resist? Not Russ.
Note: I have no regrets.
After dinner, he went to the show, laughed his ass off, and even got a Valentine's Day card. Pretty good way to spend a Valentine's Day don't you think?
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Russ was tired, oh so very tired. He got home after his Valentine's Day evening around midnight, and wanted to fall asleep immediately... all he wanted was sleep. He was maybe getting 2-3 hours a night... maybe. Even taking the sleeping pills, he'd just lay there awake, but completely out of it. Those things are going to ruin him in the end... he probably shouldn't of looked up the side effects.
The Drug Dealer had just moved out, so Russ had one less person to worry about keeping him awake at night. The Prophet was still a problem though. That night The Prophet got out of bed around 1:00am and decided to eat some food. He fucking cooked up an omelet, came back in the room and ate that, then went and poured himself a bowl of cereal, came back to the room and ate that, then finished eating he turned on the TV and started watching some religious shit.
While Russ laid there, he kept hearing The Prophet giggling, when Russ looked over The Prophet was taking pictures of the TV with his iPhone.
"What the fuck is this guy doing?"
Russ managed to fall asleep eventually, until the next morning when The Prophet and The Actor struck up a conversation about religion, and some dude named Jesus.
The Drug Dealer had moved out, so The Actor thought he do some cleaning in the room. When they both saw Russ was awake they included him in the conversation
"Russ, it would be an honor if you accepted Jesus, and God's love into your life, a real honor man."
"Well I guess you guys have another 6 weeks to convince me heh heh..."
They didn't laugh.
Somehow the conversation shifted course for a little bit, to talk about some comedy movie Robert Townsend was in where he was a slave. The Actor and The Prophet were joking around, talking about slaves... they were making jokes, and doing the whole "Masta, masta, we's were doin ours jobs..." or whatever.
The Prophet said...
"See Russ you're supposed to laugh, this is what it's like hanging around black people, we joke about this kinda stuff."
Russ thought to himself...
"Oh really? Cause I've never hung out with any black people, we don't have them in Kansas City, oh also I know when to laugh. You laugh when something's funny."
The Prophet gathered his things up, and left. The Actor continued his cleaning, and talking to Russ for awhile. He talked about his life when he was younger, and before he really accepted God's love... he used to steal cars, sell drugs, curse, and he had always believed in God, but then one day he decided to accept God's love, and changed his ways.
"You see Russ, when I auditioned for the part of TK on Warner Brother's show Parent'Hood, I had God's love on my side and I got the part."
"Yea."
"You know who else auditioned for the part?"
"Who?"
"Usher."
"Oh yea?"
"I had God's love on my side so I got the part."
"So... is Usher not religious...?"
"Oh... uh... I don't know, but what I'm getting at is if you want to go farther in life, you need to have God's love on your side, live your life in God's light."
"Ok..."
"Russ, if you accept God's love, you could be bigger than Spielberg, or just as big as Spielberg, who knows?"
"So you don't think people get where they are in life with their talents, and their smarts?"
"Well, you go farther with God on your side."
"I mean... there's got to be rich and famous people out there that don't believe in God right?"
"Ok Russ, get this... would you rather be rich and happy here, and then after you die, spend the rest of eternity with God, or rich and not happy, and when you die you go to hell?"
"Well... uh... that doesn't seem like a very fair question, but... obviously I want to be happy."
"See? In the end, everyone who accepts God will spend eternity with him, and God will cast aside everyone else."
"Well that doesn't seem very fair."
"Everyone has their chance to accept God Russ."
"What about other cultures that are raised differently, with different beliefs. You grow up accepting the beliefs you were taught, and if they die, God just casts them aside?"
"Russ, everyone has their chance... God is everywhere. You go to a hotel what do you find in the room?"
"Uh..."
"A Bible."
"Ok..."
"When you turn on the TV, do you ever see those religious infomercials?"
"Uh... sometimes I guess..."
"There you go, you see, God is everywhere."
"I don't think everyone in the world has been to a hotel, and obviously not everyone has a television..."
The only way this conversation was going to end if Russ just kind of played along, and just heard The Actor out until he was finished talking... or... until The Actor got a phone call, and Russ hopped in the shower. Thank you God.
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Next time on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
The Actor wakes Russ up one morning, and asks Russ for help... will Russ help?
The Drug Dealer's band has a concert, and asks Russ to come... will Russ go?
This and more... next time.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
15) "You've got a friend in Russ"
God dammit I went to edit this post and accidentally deleted the whole thing, then what happens? Blogger fucking autosaved it. Fucking ugh.
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Previously on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Russ got home one night and was getting ready for bed, as was The Prophet. The Drug Addict went into the kitchen, and started talking to Russ.
"Hey Russ got something for ya."
"Oh yea?"
"Check it out..."
He approached Russ and held out a tiny ziplock bag that contained some sort of brown mass.
"Pot brownie dude."
"Oh uh..."
Russ took the bag and examined it. It didn't really look like a brownie, it was really dark brown, and super compressed.
"You don't even have to pay me dude, it's yours."
"Uh..."
Normally Russ would have been all over that, but he didn't really trust The Drug Addict, also The Prophet was in the room and Russ wanted to keep his wizard habit on the down low.
"Well... I'm not really a brownie guy."
Which was actually true. Russ wasn't big on chocolate.
"You sure man? It'll fuck you up... it's some good shit."
"Well..."
"But hey if you're not going to eat it, I can give it to someone else or keep it..."
"Yea man I don't think so... thanks though."
"Alright alright."
The Drug Addict walked over to The Prophet.
"Yo, "The Prophet" you want this?"
The Prophet must not have been paying too much attention.
"Oh man, I'm not really into sweet thanks though."
"No no man... it's a pot brownie."
"What?"
"It's god pot baked in, it'll mess you up."
"Ha ha ha what? Really? Aw, no man, I don't do that kinda thing, marijuana."
"Ok, ok."
The Drug Addict's wandering eye must of finally grazed over The Prophet's belongings, including the security outfit that was hanging up.
"Oh... uh... you do security, or patrol or something?"
The Drug Addict seemed to be a little nervous. The Prophet went on to explain that he just does part-time security for some company, he wasn't a real cop or anything.
"Oh cool, you think you can get me a job doing that too man? I need more work."
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I can't believe I have to redo this fucking post.
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Bored with sitting at the coffee shops most of the day surfing the internets, Russ decided to go for a stroll. It was beautiful out, and Russ decided to play his Power Pump Up Mix Volume Russ.
"Uh what? You've got your own pump up mix?"
"Fuck yes I do. When life gets me down, a regular occurrence here in LA, my power mix hits the spot."
"What's on your power mix? Will you tell us?"
"Fuck no. Get your own power mix... alright fine."
1)"Russball Rock"
2)"Every Russ's Free (To Feel Good)"
3)"The Moment of Russ"
4)"Russ Box Hero"
5)"You're the Best a-Russ"
6)"Russell and Russell"
*All artist's gave their consent in renaming the track names.
It's a short list, but it helps.
As Russ went for a walk on this oh so beautiful day, he walked down Hollywood Blvd, and crossed the street. There was a young teenager standing on the corner with his skateboard talking to people, he looked at Russ.
"Hey man, you have a phone?"
"Yea..."
"Mine just got stolen can I borrow yours to make a call?"
The kid reeked of the dope, the marijuana.
"Uh... sure."
Russ didn't want this punk kid to get his grubby little mitts all over his iPhone, so instead Russ handed the kid his headset.
"Oh no, can I just use your phone?"
"No. Put this in your ear, and talk through here. Now what's the number?"
The kid put the headset in and then pulled out a cell phone.
"What's that?"
"Oh, my phone."
"You said it was stolen."
"Yea... uh... sorry man I'm really faded."
The kid gave Russ a number to dial, and because Russ didn't put a "1" first, the call didn't go through.
"It didn't work."
"Oh ok."
"Lemme try another number..."
The kid gave Russ another number, and this time Russ put a "1" first.
"Hello? --- Hey! --- What's going on man? --- Where you at? --- Uh huh. ---- Yea --- Well wanna hang out? --- Ok, just call me back then. --- Bye."
Russ started to reach for his headset.
"Oh my friends going to call me back in a few minutes."
"Yea, I'm not going to wait here for your friend to call you back."
Russ took his headset and started to walk down the street.
"Well hey thanks man."
Russ turned and started to give the kid a nod, when the kid stuck out his hand waiting for Russ to shake it. Russ didn't want to touch the kid, but he shook his hand, and continued his stroll.
"You're lucky I was listening to my power mix kid, otherwise I wouldn't have been in a good enough mood to stop and help. Fucking kids."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Russ would go to one coffee shop for the first half of the day, and then go to another coffee shop for the last half of the day... there were three in very short walking distance from where he was staying. He'd go to the one that stayed open the latest, second.
When Russ went into the coffee shop he went up to order a drink.
"Hey Russ!"
"Uh hey..."
"You've been here the last few nights... I close here every night."
"Oh cool."
"I'm Junior."
"Nice to meet you man... Russ... so could I get a Grande Shaken Iced Green Tea unsweetened?" (I fucking hate ordering this drink, but it's cheap and low in calies!)
"So did you just move to the area or what?"
"Uh... kind of... I'm staying pretty close to here, so you'll probably see me a lot."
"Cool... where'd you move from?"
"Kansas City."
"Nice."
"Yea... so..."
"Oh uh... 2.45$ man."
"Thanks."
God dammit... now that this kid had introduced himself to Russ, Russ was going to feel obligated to tip him. Why couldn't it of been one of the two hot chicks Russ had seen working here a few nights? Oh well.
The next few nights Russ would find a different coffee shop to go to.
"Fuck that friendly ass dude."
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Coming up on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
The Prophet and The Actor team up, and attack Russ when he's least expecting it! Will Russ survive? Will he be swayed to join their side? Stay tuned.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Previously on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Russ got home one night and was getting ready for bed, as was The Prophet. The Drug Addict went into the kitchen, and started talking to Russ.
"Hey Russ got something for ya."
"Oh yea?"
"Check it out..."
He approached Russ and held out a tiny ziplock bag that contained some sort of brown mass.
"Pot brownie dude."
"Oh uh..."
Russ took the bag and examined it. It didn't really look like a brownie, it was really dark brown, and super compressed.
"You don't even have to pay me dude, it's yours."
"Uh..."
Normally Russ would have been all over that, but he didn't really trust The Drug Addict, also The Prophet was in the room and Russ wanted to keep his wizard habit on the down low.
"Well... I'm not really a brownie guy."
Which was actually true. Russ wasn't big on chocolate.
"You sure man? It'll fuck you up... it's some good shit."
"Well..."
"But hey if you're not going to eat it, I can give it to someone else or keep it..."
"Yea man I don't think so... thanks though."
"Alright alright."
The Drug Addict walked over to The Prophet.
"Yo, "The Prophet" you want this?"
The Prophet must not have been paying too much attention.
"Oh man, I'm not really into sweet thanks though."
"No no man... it's a pot brownie."
"What?"
"It's god pot baked in, it'll mess you up."
"Ha ha ha what? Really? Aw, no man, I don't do that kinda thing, marijuana."
"Ok, ok."
The Drug Addict's wandering eye must of finally grazed over The Prophet's belongings, including the security outfit that was hanging up.
"Oh... uh... you do security, or patrol or something?"
The Drug Addict seemed to be a little nervous. The Prophet went on to explain that he just does part-time security for some company, he wasn't a real cop or anything.
"Oh cool, you think you can get me a job doing that too man? I need more work."
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I can't believe I have to redo this fucking post.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bored with sitting at the coffee shops most of the day surfing the internets, Russ decided to go for a stroll. It was beautiful out, and Russ decided to play his Power Pump Up Mix Volume Russ.
"Uh what? You've got your own pump up mix?"
"Fuck yes I do. When life gets me down, a regular occurrence here in LA, my power mix hits the spot."
"What's on your power mix? Will you tell us?"
"Fuck no. Get your own power mix... alright fine."
1)"Russball Rock"
2)"Every Russ's Free (To Feel Good)"
3)"The Moment of Russ"
4)"Russ Box Hero"
5)"You're the Best a-Russ"
6)"Russell and Russell"
*All artist's gave their consent in renaming the track names.
It's a short list, but it helps.
As Russ went for a walk on this oh so beautiful day, he walked down Hollywood Blvd, and crossed the street. There was a young teenager standing on the corner with his skateboard talking to people, he looked at Russ.
"Hey man, you have a phone?"
"Yea..."
"Mine just got stolen can I borrow yours to make a call?"
The kid reeked of the dope, the marijuana.
"Uh... sure."
Russ didn't want this punk kid to get his grubby little mitts all over his iPhone, so instead Russ handed the kid his headset.
"Oh no, can I just use your phone?"
"No. Put this in your ear, and talk through here. Now what's the number?"
The kid put the headset in and then pulled out a cell phone.
"What's that?"
"Oh, my phone."
"You said it was stolen."
"Yea... uh... sorry man I'm really faded."
The kid gave Russ a number to dial, and because Russ didn't put a "1" first, the call didn't go through.
"It didn't work."
"Oh ok."
"Lemme try another number..."
The kid gave Russ another number, and this time Russ put a "1" first.
"Hello? --- Hey! --- What's going on man? --- Where you at? --- Uh huh. ---- Yea --- Well wanna hang out? --- Ok, just call me back then. --- Bye."
Russ started to reach for his headset.
"Oh my friends going to call me back in a few minutes."
"Yea, I'm not going to wait here for your friend to call you back."
Russ took his headset and started to walk down the street.
"Well hey thanks man."
Russ turned and started to give the kid a nod, when the kid stuck out his hand waiting for Russ to shake it. Russ didn't want to touch the kid, but he shook his hand, and continued his stroll.
"You're lucky I was listening to my power mix kid, otherwise I wouldn't have been in a good enough mood to stop and help. Fucking kids."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Russ would go to one coffee shop for the first half of the day, and then go to another coffee shop for the last half of the day... there were three in very short walking distance from where he was staying. He'd go to the one that stayed open the latest, second.
When Russ went into the coffee shop he went up to order a drink.
"Hey Russ!"
"Uh hey..."
"You've been here the last few nights... I close here every night."
"Oh cool."
"I'm Junior."
"Nice to meet you man... Russ... so could I get a Grande Shaken Iced Green Tea unsweetened?" (I fucking hate ordering this drink, but it's cheap and low in calies!)
"So did you just move to the area or what?"
"Uh... kind of... I'm staying pretty close to here, so you'll probably see me a lot."
"Cool... where'd you move from?"
"Kansas City."
"Nice."
"Yea... so..."
"Oh uh... 2.45$ man."
"Thanks."
God dammit... now that this kid had introduced himself to Russ, Russ was going to feel obligated to tip him. Why couldn't it of been one of the two hot chicks Russ had seen working here a few nights? Oh well.
The next few nights Russ would find a different coffee shop to go to.
"Fuck that friendly ass dude."
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Coming up on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
The Prophet and The Actor team up, and attack Russ when he's least expecting it! Will Russ survive? Will he be swayed to join their side? Stay tuned.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
14) "Let the Right Russ In"
Previously on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
One night before leaving the local coffee shop Russ went to use the bathroom, one of the bathrooms was out of order, so he used the any sex? co ed? bathroom. You need a code to get in the bathroom, but he tried pulling on the door anyways. He got the code from an employee, and seeing that no one was in the bathroom... the lock was not engaged, or else it would have said "occupied" and instead said "vacant" ...Pretty simple right? To make things simpler, when it says "vacant" the background is green... signifying what? That's right, go. When the lock says "occupied" what color do you think the background is? That's correct, brown. Just kidding red. So, stop.
Russ has been in the bathroom many a times here in LA at the local coffee shops... and you don't know how many times Russ would be using the bathroom, with the door locked, and somebody would still try and enter the code, and pull the door open. Come on. Are people really that dumb? More on dumb people in a moment. Back to the story...
...Russ entered in the code, and opened the door... there standing with her pants down was an elderly lady.
"This is the woman's room."
It wasn't the woman's room... it was the any gender bathroom.
"Sorry sorry... sorry."
Russ shut the door quickly, and just decided to leave, scarred for life... that image now burned into his brain.
"Why didn't she lock the door? That bitch... and what was she doing with all those paper towels? Forget it Russ. Forget it."
Note: As I sit here and type this she's sitting five feet from me, she keeps looking over here.
Back to dumb people... Russ had a lot of free time on his hand and was going to a lot of comedy shows... he'd get there really early, usually the first in line right by the door, to get a good seat. As more and more people would show up, almost every time he went to show, someone would see this long line, come up to Russ, and ask.
"Is this the back of the line?"
Why would the line end at the entrance to the theatre?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Russ has been locked out of the apartment on two occasions so far, and they probably won't be the last. The first night he got locked out, Russ had just finished his evening stroll, he went to get his bag out of his car, and headed to the front door of the apartment.
Like most apartment buzzer box things, you'd dial a code, and that would call the cellphone of whoever you're trying to get ahold of. Russ dialed The Actor's code, and the phone rang until finally The Actor's voice mail picked up. It won't let you leave a message. Russ wasn't too worried, it was pretty early in the evening, if The Actor didn't buzz him in, somebody would enter the apartment building sooner or later.
Russ heard someone walking up to the building.
"Yes!"
Russ turned around.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! DON'T KILL ME!! ...oh... hey."
It was The Drug Addict... looking terrible as always.
"Hey man."
"Hey... how long you been waiting out here?"
"Oh just a minute or two... "The Actor" won't pick up his phone."
"I hate when this shit happens. God dammit."
The Drug Addict repeatedly tried to get ahold of The Actor through the buzzer. No success.
"This is fucking bullshit!"
The Drug Addict was getting awfully angry. He'd only been outside for about a minute. The Drug Addict looked like being alive was causing him a lot of pain, he was all hunched over with his hands on his knees... then he sat down on the ground.
"I just went to the store to buy some fresh strawberries..."
Uh... what? Really? Russ looked down at the plastic grocery bag The Drug Addict had... yep... he had a small box of strawberries in there. Russ thought that was kind of odd, but maybe it's a drug addict thing... fresh strawberries... hm.
The Drug Addict kept trying The Actor over and over again. Russ just sat on the railing and waited. A few minutes later someone entered the apartment.
"Do you guys live here?"
The Drug Addict answered...
"Yea we're in in 302 with Byrone."
First rule about living with The Actor, don't advertise you're living with The Actor... you're on thin ice The Drug Addict, be careful.
Russ and The Drug Addict entered the building and went up to the apartment.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The second time Russ got locked out of the apartment was last night, or when this post goes up, a few nights ago. Russ had gone to a show at the local comedy club that started at midnight.
Russ had been taking sleeping pills which were kind of helping him get some sleep at night. He'd usually try to take one late at night before getting back to the apartment, so by the time he got there the pill would start kicking in.
So, the show ended around 1:00 am, Russ took one of his pills... he had to take a piss, but figured he could wait until he go to the apartment. Twenty minutes later, Russ got to the building and tried getting ahold of The Actor on the buzzer. This time it went straight to The Actor's voice mail. Russ kept trying, but with no success.
At this point Russ really had to take a piss, and he was growing tired. Surely someone would enter the building and he could get in.
Another twenty minutes passed, Russ kept trying to buzzer, and then decided to text one of his room mates, The Drug Dealer... the only phone number he had from anyone in the apartment.
Oh wait that's right, The Drug Dealer went to work at 1am, and who knows when he'd be home. Russ really had to piss... he was tempted to go somewhere and relieve himself, but he was afraid while he did so, he'd miss his chance at getting into the building.
At this point Russ had been stuck outside the building for 45 minutes, before someone let him in. Russ got up to the apartment, took a piss, and laid down. By the time he'd get to sleep, he'd be awoken a short time later, by kids screaming and running around the apartment. He'd lay there for two hours, not sleeping, but just laying there before The Actor took The Four Kids to church. Thank god... some peace and quiet. Russ got up, and started his day.
Russ found out that morning, that when The Drug Dealer got home early that morning, he was stuck outside for almost two hours before getting inside... he even tried texting/calling Russ a couple times.
"Not my problem brah."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Next time on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Russ makes a friend, and helps out a stranger... but just for a little bit.
One night before leaving the local coffee shop Russ went to use the bathroom, one of the bathrooms was out of order, so he used the any sex? co ed? bathroom. You need a code to get in the bathroom, but he tried pulling on the door anyways. He got the code from an employee, and seeing that no one was in the bathroom... the lock was not engaged, or else it would have said "occupied" and instead said "vacant" ...Pretty simple right? To make things simpler, when it says "vacant" the background is green... signifying what? That's right, go. When the lock says "occupied" what color do you think the background is? That's correct, brown. Just kidding red. So, stop.
Russ has been in the bathroom many a times here in LA at the local coffee shops... and you don't know how many times Russ would be using the bathroom, with the door locked, and somebody would still try and enter the code, and pull the door open. Come on. Are people really that dumb? More on dumb people in a moment. Back to the story...
...Russ entered in the code, and opened the door... there standing with her pants down was an elderly lady.
"This is the woman's room."
It wasn't the woman's room... it was the any gender bathroom.
"Sorry sorry... sorry."
Russ shut the door quickly, and just decided to leave, scarred for life... that image now burned into his brain.
"Why didn't she lock the door? That bitch... and what was she doing with all those paper towels? Forget it Russ. Forget it."
Note: As I sit here and type this she's sitting five feet from me, she keeps looking over here.
Back to dumb people... Russ had a lot of free time on his hand and was going to a lot of comedy shows... he'd get there really early, usually the first in line right by the door, to get a good seat. As more and more people would show up, almost every time he went to show, someone would see this long line, come up to Russ, and ask.
"Is this the back of the line?"
Why would the line end at the entrance to the theatre?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Russ has been locked out of the apartment on two occasions so far, and they probably won't be the last. The first night he got locked out, Russ had just finished his evening stroll, he went to get his bag out of his car, and headed to the front door of the apartment.
Like most apartment buzzer box things, you'd dial a code, and that would call the cellphone of whoever you're trying to get ahold of. Russ dialed The Actor's code, and the phone rang until finally The Actor's voice mail picked up. It won't let you leave a message. Russ wasn't too worried, it was pretty early in the evening, if The Actor didn't buzz him in, somebody would enter the apartment building sooner or later.
Russ heard someone walking up to the building.
"Yes!"
Russ turned around.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! DON'T KILL ME!! ...oh... hey."
It was The Drug Addict... looking terrible as always.
"Hey man."
"Hey... how long you been waiting out here?"
"Oh just a minute or two... "The Actor" won't pick up his phone."
"I hate when this shit happens. God dammit."
The Drug Addict repeatedly tried to get ahold of The Actor through the buzzer. No success.
"This is fucking bullshit!"
The Drug Addict was getting awfully angry. He'd only been outside for about a minute. The Drug Addict looked like being alive was causing him a lot of pain, he was all hunched over with his hands on his knees... then he sat down on the ground.
"I just went to the store to buy some fresh strawberries..."
Uh... what? Really? Russ looked down at the plastic grocery bag The Drug Addict had... yep... he had a small box of strawberries in there. Russ thought that was kind of odd, but maybe it's a drug addict thing... fresh strawberries... hm.
The Drug Addict kept trying The Actor over and over again. Russ just sat on the railing and waited. A few minutes later someone entered the apartment.
"Do you guys live here?"
The Drug Addict answered...
"Yea we're in in 302 with Byrone."
First rule about living with The Actor, don't advertise you're living with The Actor... you're on thin ice The Drug Addict, be careful.
Russ and The Drug Addict entered the building and went up to the apartment.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The second time Russ got locked out of the apartment was last night, or when this post goes up, a few nights ago. Russ had gone to a show at the local comedy club that started at midnight.
Russ had been taking sleeping pills which were kind of helping him get some sleep at night. He'd usually try to take one late at night before getting back to the apartment, so by the time he got there the pill would start kicking in.
So, the show ended around 1:00 am, Russ took one of his pills... he had to take a piss, but figured he could wait until he go to the apartment. Twenty minutes later, Russ got to the building and tried getting ahold of The Actor on the buzzer. This time it went straight to The Actor's voice mail. Russ kept trying, but with no success.
At this point Russ really had to take a piss, and he was growing tired. Surely someone would enter the building and he could get in.
Another twenty minutes passed, Russ kept trying to buzzer, and then decided to text one of his room mates, The Drug Dealer... the only phone number he had from anyone in the apartment.
Oh wait that's right, The Drug Dealer went to work at 1am, and who knows when he'd be home. Russ really had to piss... he was tempted to go somewhere and relieve himself, but he was afraid while he did so, he'd miss his chance at getting into the building.
At this point Russ had been stuck outside the building for 45 minutes, before someone let him in. Russ got up to the apartment, took a piss, and laid down. By the time he'd get to sleep, he'd be awoken a short time later, by kids screaming and running around the apartment. He'd lay there for two hours, not sleeping, but just laying there before The Actor took The Four Kids to church. Thank god... some peace and quiet. Russ got up, and started his day.
Russ found out that morning, that when The Drug Dealer got home early that morning, he was stuck outside for almost two hours before getting inside... he even tried texting/calling Russ a couple times.
"Not my problem brah."
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Next time on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Russ makes a friend, and helps out a stranger... but just for a little bit.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
13) The Prodigious Adventures of The Prophet Pheaturing Russ!
Previously on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
One of the nights after The Prophet moved in, Russ was laying in bed when The Actor and The Prophet struck up a conversation. The Prophet was explaining his "template" ...basically his idea for his talk show and his DVD series to The Actor. The Prophet said what he still needed to accomplish in order to finish his vision. The Actor explained that Russ did videography, and maybe they could help each other out. The Prophet talked more about a videography crew and then asked...
"That sounds good, what do you think Russ?"
Russ had been laying there listening to them, he had his eyes closed, and his headphones in, but he could still hear them talking. Instead of answering The Prophet, Russ rolled over, and let out a snoring type of noise, pretending to not hear them. They went on with the conversation. Russ might of gotten out of it tonight, but he wasn't going to be able to avoid helping The Prophet out forever...
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Previouslyer on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Late one night, while The Prophet and Russ were laying in their beds, in the dark, The Prophet got up, went to the fridge and took something out. He turned on the light, approached Russ, and handed him the item, a cookie.
"Here man, I'm not going to eat this, take it."
"Uh... okay... thanks."
It was a Snickerdoodle cookie... Russ likes those... he ate it.
"That's right Prophet, if you wish to bother me during my slumber you better provide me with edible gifts. On your way now, shoo, go on, get."
The next day Russ came home to make a sandwich, right as he gets in the kitchen, before he can pull bread out of the cabinet, The Prophet comes in.
"Oh hold on Russ, got something for you..."
The Prophet opens the fridge and pulls out a sandwich.
"Here man I don't like to waste food, I already ate, take this."
How did he know Russ was about to make a sandwich? Surely God didn't send The Prophet a vision of Russ coming home and making a sandwich, but who knows.
"Uh... are you sure...?"
"Yea go ahead, if you don't want it, you can give it to "The Drug Dealer" ...it's up to you."
Russ thought to himself...
"Fuck The Drug Dealer... this is mine."
Russ ate the roast beef sandwich... it was pretty good. Could have used some mayo.
"Hey Prophet... I hope you've had a vision about this, because this food you've given me doesn't count as payment for anything... this is just you giving me food. I hope you know that."
Russ hoped that The Prophet wasn't slowly trying to poison him... because the next day Russ started to feel a bit under the weather.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode recap:
"Meet the room mates... Pt. 4 - The Prophet"
The Prophet moved into the apartment, and tries to enlist Russ's help in his vision. The Prophet needs a videography crew, and perhaps Russ is the man for the job. The Prophet insists that they can help each other in big ways. Russ tries to avoid the situation by telling The Prophet they need a permit to do any kind of filming on the street of LA.
Our story continues...
The day after Russ told The Prophet about getting a permit, Russ came home, and The Prophet approached him.
"So what's your day like tomorrow man? You wanna go shoot?"
"You found out about the permits?"
"Oh shoot... shoot... I forgot... ok... I'll find out about those tomorrow."
Russ was spared for another day!
"Actually let me call and find out now."
Fuck!
The Prophet went ahead and called City Hall or some place, who then referred him to "Film LA" ...the company that takes care of all the permit work. The Prophet got ahold of someone and explained his situation.
"...now this isn't some sort of major motion picture this is me, and my friend following me around with his... 'Hey Russ, what kind of camera do you have?'"
"Uh it's a Sony HD DV camera."
"He's got a Sony DVD camera."
"DV."
"Oh a Sony DV camera... uh huh ok..."
The Prophet got up and walked over to Russ's bed and put his phone on speaker. The man on the line said...
"As long as you're not shooting for commercial purposes, and it really is just you, and one other person you don't need a permit. You can't have anyone dressed as cop, no fake weapons, you can't block traffic..."
He went on to list the rules one needed to follow.
"...and if you get stopped by the police, or a shop owner, explain that you're shooting for non-commercial purposes, and you'll be fine."
God dammit. Russ couldn't avoid the situation any longer. The Prophet finished his conversation with the man, and had the biggest smile on his face. He was excited.
"So Russ, what's your schedule like next week."
Russ told him that Tuesday through Thursday before 5 would work, but then The Prophet decided he wanted to shoot on Saturday, he'd have a friend come set up some DJ equipment, and they'd film The Prophet doing live interviews on the street.
"So Russ, what's your camera record onto? DVD's?"
"DV's. Mini DV's... Not DVD's... small tapes."
"Get this DVD shit outta your head man, oh, and don't refer to me as your friend to anyone else... got it? GOT IT? We are temporary room mates... and that's it. When I'm outta LA all you are to me is a bad memory."
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Next time on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Russ keeps getting locked out of the apartment... oh noes!!! You won't want to miss this one, but if you do that's okay. Stick around.
One of the nights after The Prophet moved in, Russ was laying in bed when The Actor and The Prophet struck up a conversation. The Prophet was explaining his "template" ...basically his idea for his talk show and his DVD series to The Actor. The Prophet said what he still needed to accomplish in order to finish his vision. The Actor explained that Russ did videography, and maybe they could help each other out. The Prophet talked more about a videography crew and then asked...
"That sounds good, what do you think Russ?"
Russ had been laying there listening to them, he had his eyes closed, and his headphones in, but he could still hear them talking. Instead of answering The Prophet, Russ rolled over, and let out a snoring type of noise, pretending to not hear them. They went on with the conversation. Russ might of gotten out of it tonight, but he wasn't going to be able to avoid helping The Prophet out forever...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Previouslyer on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Late one night, while The Prophet and Russ were laying in their beds, in the dark, The Prophet got up, went to the fridge and took something out. He turned on the light, approached Russ, and handed him the item, a cookie.
"Here man, I'm not going to eat this, take it."
"Uh... okay... thanks."
It was a Snickerdoodle cookie... Russ likes those... he ate it.
"That's right Prophet, if you wish to bother me during my slumber you better provide me with edible gifts. On your way now, shoo, go on, get."
The next day Russ came home to make a sandwich, right as he gets in the kitchen, before he can pull bread out of the cabinet, The Prophet comes in.
"Oh hold on Russ, got something for you..."
The Prophet opens the fridge and pulls out a sandwich.
"Here man I don't like to waste food, I already ate, take this."
How did he know Russ was about to make a sandwich? Surely God didn't send The Prophet a vision of Russ coming home and making a sandwich, but who knows.
"Uh... are you sure...?"
"Yea go ahead, if you don't want it, you can give it to "The Drug Dealer" ...it's up to you."
Russ thought to himself...
"Fuck The Drug Dealer... this is mine."
Russ ate the roast beef sandwich... it was pretty good. Could have used some mayo.
"Hey Prophet... I hope you've had a vision about this, because this food you've given me doesn't count as payment for anything... this is just you giving me food. I hope you know that."
Russ hoped that The Prophet wasn't slowly trying to poison him... because the next day Russ started to feel a bit under the weather.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode recap:
"Meet the room mates... Pt. 4 - The Prophet"
The Prophet moved into the apartment, and tries to enlist Russ's help in his vision. The Prophet needs a videography crew, and perhaps Russ is the man for the job. The Prophet insists that they can help each other in big ways. Russ tries to avoid the situation by telling The Prophet they need a permit to do any kind of filming on the street of LA.
Our story continues...
The day after Russ told The Prophet about getting a permit, Russ came home, and The Prophet approached him.
"So what's your day like tomorrow man? You wanna go shoot?"
"You found out about the permits?"
"Oh shoot... shoot... I forgot... ok... I'll find out about those tomorrow."
Russ was spared for another day!
"Actually let me call and find out now."
Fuck!
The Prophet went ahead and called City Hall or some place, who then referred him to "Film LA" ...the company that takes care of all the permit work. The Prophet got ahold of someone and explained his situation.
"...now this isn't some sort of major motion picture this is me, and my friend following me around with his... 'Hey Russ, what kind of camera do you have?'"
"Uh it's a Sony HD DV camera."
"He's got a Sony DVD camera."
"DV."
"Oh a Sony DV camera... uh huh ok..."
The Prophet got up and walked over to Russ's bed and put his phone on speaker. The man on the line said...
"As long as you're not shooting for commercial purposes, and it really is just you, and one other person you don't need a permit. You can't have anyone dressed as cop, no fake weapons, you can't block traffic..."
He went on to list the rules one needed to follow.
"...and if you get stopped by the police, or a shop owner, explain that you're shooting for non-commercial purposes, and you'll be fine."
God dammit. Russ couldn't avoid the situation any longer. The Prophet finished his conversation with the man, and had the biggest smile on his face. He was excited.
"So Russ, what's your schedule like next week."
Russ told him that Tuesday through Thursday before 5 would work, but then The Prophet decided he wanted to shoot on Saturday, he'd have a friend come set up some DJ equipment, and they'd film The Prophet doing live interviews on the street.
"So Russ, what's your camera record onto? DVD's?"
"DV's. Mini DV's... Not DVD's... small tapes."
"Get this DVD shit outta your head man, oh, and don't refer to me as your friend to anyone else... got it? GOT IT? We are temporary room mates... and that's it. When I'm outta LA all you are to me is a bad memory."
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Next time on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Russ keeps getting locked out of the apartment... oh noes!!! You won't want to miss this one, but if you do that's okay. Stick around.
Monday, February 14, 2011
12) What doesn't kill Russ, makes Russ stronger... continued...
Dear readers... the four of you...
Make sure you're caught up... make sure you've read "What doesn't kill Russ, makes Russ stronger" before continuing on. Enjoy.
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Previously on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
There was one night when The Drug Addict was really sick. He threw up so much, and it was so loud. Everyone in the apartment heard him.
The next night The Actor confronted The Drug Dealer about it, seeing as how The Drug Dealer and The Drug Addict spent so much time together.
"Yo man, what's up with "The Drug Addict"?
"Uh what do you mean?"
"He's been puking a lot."
"Oh yea..."
"Not just last night, but a lot over the past couple weeks... what's going on?"
"Oh... his stomach just hasn't been agreeing with him I guess."
"Uh huh."
Russ was pretty sure The Actor must suspect something... he had to right? One of your room mates looks like death, throws up all the fucking time, and hides out in his room all day... come on.
It didn't matter too much though, The Drug Dealer was planning on moving out soon, his girlfriend would be in town in a few days, and they'd move in together. The Drug Dealer offered to let The Drug Addict stay with him, but he had to be clean... pretty sure they're both not clean... that's going to be a great situation huh? Soon Russ would have two less room mates... that sounded good... but who knows who would move in... could it get any crazier? Only time will tell.
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Previouslyer on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Later that evening Russ went for a long walk. Walking down Hollywood Blvd, outside of some night club, Russ saw her, and she was beautiful. He slowed down his walking, and couldn't help but stare at her. He approached her. He had no choice, he was just drawn to her.
Our story continues...
Oh the way she smelled... she smelled... delicious. Russ approached, her, the gyro truck. Russ hadn't had a gyro in so long. This gyro truck was fancy too... it had it's own Twitter and Facebook page, but... wait... these weren't traditional gyros... they didn't have lamb, and some of the toppings included yogurt... no this wouldn't do, this wouldn't do at all... and like most gyro trucks they took cash only, and Russ didn't have any cash on him... it's fine... more than likely the gyro wouldn't be as good as the gyro's from Kansas City anyways, so Russ pressed onwards.
...but oh... the gyros from Kansas City. Russ couldn't get the thought of gyros off his mind. That beautiful beautiful truck. Russ was starving. He honestly thought to himself...
"If I leave right now, RIGHT now, I'm positive I could make it to the gyro truck before they close tomorrow night... fuuuuck!"
Russ was tempted, but continued his walk down Hollywood Blvd and came across a small pizza shop, that also sold sandwiches... and what's this gyros?!? What's this they take cards?
Russ couldn't help himself, he went in an ordered a gyro. While delicious, it just wasn't as good as the gyro truck... they never were. What was so different about that gyro truck? What made those gyros so delicious? Who knows.
Russ finished his gyro and went home. He had started to feel much better than earlier in the morning. He was definitely getting rid of the cold he had. He'd wake up the next morning and be almost 100% better.
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Next time on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
The Prodigious Adventures of The Prophet Pheaturing Russ! The Prophet and Russ team up! Stick around...
Make sure you're caught up... make sure you've read "What doesn't kill Russ, makes Russ stronger" before continuing on. Enjoy.
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Previously on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
There was one night when The Drug Addict was really sick. He threw up so much, and it was so loud. Everyone in the apartment heard him.
The next night The Actor confronted The Drug Dealer about it, seeing as how The Drug Dealer and The Drug Addict spent so much time together.
"Yo man, what's up with "The Drug Addict"?
"Uh what do you mean?"
"He's been puking a lot."
"Oh yea..."
"Not just last night, but a lot over the past couple weeks... what's going on?"
"Oh... his stomach just hasn't been agreeing with him I guess."
"Uh huh."
Russ was pretty sure The Actor must suspect something... he had to right? One of your room mates looks like death, throws up all the fucking time, and hides out in his room all day... come on.
It didn't matter too much though, The Drug Dealer was planning on moving out soon, his girlfriend would be in town in a few days, and they'd move in together. The Drug Dealer offered to let The Drug Addict stay with him, but he had to be clean... pretty sure they're both not clean... that's going to be a great situation huh? Soon Russ would have two less room mates... that sounded good... but who knows who would move in... could it get any crazier? Only time will tell.
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Previouslyer on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Later that evening Russ went for a long walk. Walking down Hollywood Blvd, outside of some night club, Russ saw her, and she was beautiful. He slowed down his walking, and couldn't help but stare at her. He approached her. He had no choice, he was just drawn to her.
Our story continues...
Oh the way she smelled... she smelled... delicious. Russ approached, her, the gyro truck. Russ hadn't had a gyro in so long. This gyro truck was fancy too... it had it's own Twitter and Facebook page, but... wait... these weren't traditional gyros... they didn't have lamb, and some of the toppings included yogurt... no this wouldn't do, this wouldn't do at all... and like most gyro trucks they took cash only, and Russ didn't have any cash on him... it's fine... more than likely the gyro wouldn't be as good as the gyro's from Kansas City anyways, so Russ pressed onwards.
...but oh... the gyros from Kansas City. Russ couldn't get the thought of gyros off his mind. That beautiful beautiful truck. Russ was starving. He honestly thought to himself...
"If I leave right now, RIGHT now, I'm positive I could make it to the gyro truck before they close tomorrow night... fuuuuck!"
Russ was tempted, but continued his walk down Hollywood Blvd and came across a small pizza shop, that also sold sandwiches... and what's this gyros?!? What's this they take cards?
Russ couldn't help himself, he went in an ordered a gyro. While delicious, it just wasn't as good as the gyro truck... they never were. What was so different about that gyro truck? What made those gyros so delicious? Who knows.
Russ finished his gyro and went home. He had started to feel much better than earlier in the morning. He was definitely getting rid of the cold he had. He'd wake up the next morning and be almost 100% better.
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Next time on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
The Prodigious Adventures of The Prophet Pheaturing Russ! The Prophet and Russ team up! Stick around...
Saturday, February 12, 2011
11) What doesn't kill Russ, makes Russ stronger.
Previously on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Yesterday Russ spent his morning doing laundry. When he ran out to his car to grab a few things he saw The Actor, and The Baby Mama walking up the street. Russ couldn't really tell what was going on down the street, it looked like The Actor was kind of pulling The Baby Mama along, like she didn't really want to be walking with him. Russ hurried, grabbed his things, and went inside. After starting laundry he went back up to the apartment to lay down, he wasn't feeling to well. When he walked in The Actor and The Baby Mama had already made it inside, and they were standing in the door way, well one of them was.
The Baby Mama was incredibly wasted. The Actor was trying to get her shoes off, and take her into their bedroom. She had fallen over. Russ could tell that The Actor was incredibly frustrated, but was trying to keep his cool. Russ just got in bed and laid there... pretending not to know what was going on, and 10-15 minutes later they had made it into the back bedroom.
The Prophet was laying in bed too, and made a joke about The Baby Mama having too much to drink.
Later that evening, Russ came to the apartment wanting to try and get to bed early hoping some rest would help him shake the cold or whatever he had. The Actor, and 3 of the kids were all eating dinner. A few minutes later The Prophet got home, and talked about his day, then asked...
"Hey Gus, how was your day."
"Fine. Russ."
"Oh Russ, Russ I'm sorry, just got off work, I'm sorry, my minds all scattered, I'm tired."
"Yea."
The Prophet went on to ask The Actor...
"Hey so how's "The Baby Mama" feeling?"
"Man she's... She needs to stop drinking. She needs to stop drinking... she just... man... she needs to stop drinking."
The next day, Russ found out from The Drug Dealer, who's lived in the apartment for almost 3 months, that The Actor and The Baby Mama had gotten into a huge fight when Russ and The Prophet had been out of the apartment. He said it sounded like The Actor had been throwing things against the wall. He wasn't sure what it was about until Russ informed him what had happened the previous morning.
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After being hit with parking tickets, failing at being places on time, and just being worn out by his whole living situation, Russ felt defeated and broken down. Awakened by people talking... loudly, Russ checked what time it was...
"8am?! Fuuuuuck."
Russ had maybe gotten a couple hours of sleep, he was constantly tossing and turning, being woken up be people coming and going at all hours... it was not a good situation.
The Drug Dealer is planning to move out of the apartment soon, and is paying to stay in the apartment daily. The Actor, apparently strapped for cash decided to wake up The Drug Dealer to collect his rent.
"Hey I don't mind you wanting your money, but you're waking me up kinda early you know man?"
The Drug Dealer scrounged up some cash, paid the Actor and got back in bed. Russ thought he could probably get a couple more hours of sleep in before getting up.
"Yo Russ man, can I use your laptop to edit my trailer?"
Russ laid there for a moment. Russ is not a morning person. Not at all. Who likes waking up? Not Russ. If you want to be on Russ's bad side go ahead and wake him up one morning.
"Uh.................... (a long pause)........................ yea."
"Cool just boot it up and log in for me."
Russ took his laptop out of his bag, and turned it on.
"Here man I made you a folder, just drag whatever you're using into there."
"Oh I'm just going to connect my... my...
He makes a box motion.
"...my computer mind."
"Hard drive?"
"Yea it's like that... and I'll just drag that into iMovie."
"Oh... well... if you could just drag your stuff into this folder I like to keep everything organized..."
"I learned how to do it just by dragging my stuff into iMovie, so that's how I'd like to do it."
"This is the same thing pretty much, just drag it here first, and then into iMovie, just so I know where everything is..."
"You see man if I drag them straight into iMovie it's easier for me..."
"Yea but, this is easy too... you just..."
"I mean, I just drag them into iMovie and start working, and boom, they're there, and I'm working, I know where everything is, and-"
"Fine fine fine... do whatever."
Russ shoved the laptop into The Actor's hands and laid back down.
"I'm leaving here around 10:30 or 11:00 so I need it back by then."
"Ok thanks man, I appreciate it."
Russ was pissed off at this point, he wasn't going to get back to sleep, he pulled out his phone and logged onto Facebook. He's done this before, when he's been angry, or really depressed, he'll post a status update reflecting his attitude. Much like a drunk dial... you regret doing this an hour or so later... a... an... Uprage (update + rage... get it?!) if you will. He updates his status... heck let's try out our new word. Russ uprages.
"LA, and my living situation make me want to die. Maybe i'll get hit by a car today... that'd be nice." He took the update down a little later, after getting a lot of positive responses from friends. Thanks guys.
Almost an hour later The Actor came out and handed the laptop back to Russ.
"Here you go man, there wasn't enough space on your computer."
"How big are the files... you just want to make a two minute trailer... they shouldn't be that big."
"Well you only got about 50 g's in there."
"Yea, but 50 gigs is a lot of space..."
"Gigs?"
Who knows why Russ kept the conversation going... without much sleep he was kinda out of it.
"Uh... there's like a third of the hard drive still free... are your videos really that big?"
"I dunno man... I guess so."
"Oh well sorry man."
"It's cool, it's cool."
The Actor went back into his room. Russ then wondered why it had taken him almost an hour to figure out that there wasn't enough space on his computer...
Russ got up, got ready and left the apartment. He checked his email on his phone. The friend who had given him the ticket to the E! pilot taping, had emailed him.
"Hey I saw your Facebook post, you want to come hang out with me while I write?"
Russ replied.
"I'd really appreciate that man, i'll come hang out for a little while. Thanks."
His friend replied letting him know where he was, and Russ headed to meet him.
Thirty minutes later, Russ arrived to meet his friend, and couldn't find him. Russ looked around a bit, and then called his friend. No answer. Russ emailed his friend letting him know he was there. Russ waited around for about 15 minutes then decided to just head to a coffee shop. Later Russ received an email from his friend saying he had to go back home.
"Great. Thanks man. What a fantastic day."
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Late that night Russ felt something coming over him... suddenly he had a cough.
"Fuck... I'm getting sick."
Russ remembered something, this last weekend when The Four Kids were around, he remembered them staying away from one of the kids because the kid could be sick. Had Russ caught something from the kid? Perhaps he caught something at one of the many coffee shops he frequents? He was usually really good at tracking down how he got sick. He usually has hand sanitizer on his person, and washes his hands frequently throughout the day. He tries to be careful about what he touches... Anyways, he knew he needed to get a good nights rest so he decided to take some sleeping pills, something he had been wary of in the past, but living in this new environment he was having a lot of trouble sleeping, and was desperate.
Russ woke up the next morning and felt worse, he wasn't fully sick, but he felt like if he didn't nip this thing in the bud, he would die. Well he wouldn't die, but it felt like it could be bad. He was kind of weak, and was either too hot, or too cold. He also looked like shit... he hadn't shaved in weeks, his hair was all messed up, had bags under his eyes... he always felt like he looked worse when he was sick.
He didn't have the option of staying home and trying to sleep it off during the day, not with people coming and going, watching TV loudly, or speaking with outside voices... inside. Honestly, these people talk so loud... loudly? Russ just continued on like he did everyday.
Drinking plenty of fluids, and trying to take it easy, the sickness would hit him in waves. He'd feel fine for awhile, but then feel week all of a sudden. Later during the day he went back to the apartment to eat and maybe lay down for a bit. After eating, Russ sat on his bed. The Drug Dealer had been sleeping, and rolled over looking at Russ.
"I feel like shit."
"That sucks man."
The Drug Dealer did not look well, and Russ didn't want to tell him that he wasn't feeling well either. Although Russ seemed to be doing a lot better at battling whatever this was than The Drug Dealer.
"Feel better man."
Russ got up and left the apartment, and continued on his day.
Later that evening Russ went for a long walk. Walking down Hollywood Blvd, outside of some night club, Russ saw her, and she was beautiful. He slowed down his walking, and couldn't help but stare at her. He decided to approach her. He had no choice, he was just drawn to her.
To be continued.....
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Next time on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
What's this? Has Russ found love? Stay tuned...
Yesterday Russ spent his morning doing laundry. When he ran out to his car to grab a few things he saw The Actor, and The Baby Mama walking up the street. Russ couldn't really tell what was going on down the street, it looked like The Actor was kind of pulling The Baby Mama along, like she didn't really want to be walking with him. Russ hurried, grabbed his things, and went inside. After starting laundry he went back up to the apartment to lay down, he wasn't feeling to well. When he walked in The Actor and The Baby Mama had already made it inside, and they were standing in the door way, well one of them was.
The Baby Mama was incredibly wasted. The Actor was trying to get her shoes off, and take her into their bedroom. She had fallen over. Russ could tell that The Actor was incredibly frustrated, but was trying to keep his cool. Russ just got in bed and laid there... pretending not to know what was going on, and 10-15 minutes later they had made it into the back bedroom.
The Prophet was laying in bed too, and made a joke about The Baby Mama having too much to drink.
Later that evening, Russ came to the apartment wanting to try and get to bed early hoping some rest would help him shake the cold or whatever he had. The Actor, and 3 of the kids were all eating dinner. A few minutes later The Prophet got home, and talked about his day, then asked...
"Hey Gus, how was your day."
"Fine. Russ."
"Oh Russ, Russ I'm sorry, just got off work, I'm sorry, my minds all scattered, I'm tired."
"Yea."
The Prophet went on to ask The Actor...
"Hey so how's "The Baby Mama" feeling?"
"Man she's... She needs to stop drinking. She needs to stop drinking... she just... man... she needs to stop drinking."
The next day, Russ found out from The Drug Dealer, who's lived in the apartment for almost 3 months, that The Actor and The Baby Mama had gotten into a huge fight when Russ and The Prophet had been out of the apartment. He said it sounded like The Actor had been throwing things against the wall. He wasn't sure what it was about until Russ informed him what had happened the previous morning.
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After being hit with parking tickets, failing at being places on time, and just being worn out by his whole living situation, Russ felt defeated and broken down. Awakened by people talking... loudly, Russ checked what time it was...
"8am?! Fuuuuuck."
Russ had maybe gotten a couple hours of sleep, he was constantly tossing and turning, being woken up be people coming and going at all hours... it was not a good situation.
The Drug Dealer is planning to move out of the apartment soon, and is paying to stay in the apartment daily. The Actor, apparently strapped for cash decided to wake up The Drug Dealer to collect his rent.
"Hey I don't mind you wanting your money, but you're waking me up kinda early you know man?"
The Drug Dealer scrounged up some cash, paid the Actor and got back in bed. Russ thought he could probably get a couple more hours of sleep in before getting up.
"Yo Russ man, can I use your laptop to edit my trailer?"
Russ laid there for a moment. Russ is not a morning person. Not at all. Who likes waking up? Not Russ. If you want to be on Russ's bad side go ahead and wake him up one morning.
"Uh.................... (a long pause)........................ yea."
"Cool just boot it up and log in for me."
Russ took his laptop out of his bag, and turned it on.
"Here man I made you a folder, just drag whatever you're using into there."
"Oh I'm just going to connect my... my...
He makes a box motion.
"...my computer mind."
"Hard drive?"
"Yea it's like that... and I'll just drag that into iMovie."
"Oh... well... if you could just drag your stuff into this folder I like to keep everything organized..."
"I learned how to do it just by dragging my stuff into iMovie, so that's how I'd like to do it."
"This is the same thing pretty much, just drag it here first, and then into iMovie, just so I know where everything is..."
"You see man if I drag them straight into iMovie it's easier for me..."
"Yea but, this is easy too... you just..."
"I mean, I just drag them into iMovie and start working, and boom, they're there, and I'm working, I know where everything is, and-"
"Fine fine fine... do whatever."
Russ shoved the laptop into The Actor's hands and laid back down.
"I'm leaving here around 10:30 or 11:00 so I need it back by then."
"Ok thanks man, I appreciate it."
Russ was pissed off at this point, he wasn't going to get back to sleep, he pulled out his phone and logged onto Facebook. He's done this before, when he's been angry, or really depressed, he'll post a status update reflecting his attitude. Much like a drunk dial... you regret doing this an hour or so later... a... an... Uprage (update + rage... get it?!) if you will. He updates his status... heck let's try out our new word. Russ uprages.
"LA, and my living situation make me want to die. Maybe i'll get hit by a car today... that'd be nice." He took the update down a little later, after getting a lot of positive responses from friends. Thanks guys.
Almost an hour later The Actor came out and handed the laptop back to Russ.
"Here you go man, there wasn't enough space on your computer."
"How big are the files... you just want to make a two minute trailer... they shouldn't be that big."
"Well you only got about 50 g's in there."
"Yea, but 50 gigs is a lot of space..."
"Gigs?"
Who knows why Russ kept the conversation going... without much sleep he was kinda out of it.
"Uh... there's like a third of the hard drive still free... are your videos really that big?"
"I dunno man... I guess so."
"Oh well sorry man."
"It's cool, it's cool."
The Actor went back into his room. Russ then wondered why it had taken him almost an hour to figure out that there wasn't enough space on his computer...
Russ got up, got ready and left the apartment. He checked his email on his phone. The friend who had given him the ticket to the E! pilot taping, had emailed him.
"Hey I saw your Facebook post, you want to come hang out with me while I write?"
Russ replied.
"I'd really appreciate that man, i'll come hang out for a little while. Thanks."
His friend replied letting him know where he was, and Russ headed to meet him.
Thirty minutes later, Russ arrived to meet his friend, and couldn't find him. Russ looked around a bit, and then called his friend. No answer. Russ emailed his friend letting him know he was there. Russ waited around for about 15 minutes then decided to just head to a coffee shop. Later Russ received an email from his friend saying he had to go back home.
"Great. Thanks man. What a fantastic day."
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Late that night Russ felt something coming over him... suddenly he had a cough.
"Fuck... I'm getting sick."
Russ remembered something, this last weekend when The Four Kids were around, he remembered them staying away from one of the kids because the kid could be sick. Had Russ caught something from the kid? Perhaps he caught something at one of the many coffee shops he frequents? He was usually really good at tracking down how he got sick. He usually has hand sanitizer on his person, and washes his hands frequently throughout the day. He tries to be careful about what he touches... Anyways, he knew he needed to get a good nights rest so he decided to take some sleeping pills, something he had been wary of in the past, but living in this new environment he was having a lot of trouble sleeping, and was desperate.
Russ woke up the next morning and felt worse, he wasn't fully sick, but he felt like if he didn't nip this thing in the bud, he would die. Well he wouldn't die, but it felt like it could be bad. He was kind of weak, and was either too hot, or too cold. He also looked like shit... he hadn't shaved in weeks, his hair was all messed up, had bags under his eyes... he always felt like he looked worse when he was sick.
He didn't have the option of staying home and trying to sleep it off during the day, not with people coming and going, watching TV loudly, or speaking with outside voices... inside. Honestly, these people talk so loud... loudly? Russ just continued on like he did everyday.
Drinking plenty of fluids, and trying to take it easy, the sickness would hit him in waves. He'd feel fine for awhile, but then feel week all of a sudden. Later during the day he went back to the apartment to eat and maybe lay down for a bit. After eating, Russ sat on his bed. The Drug Dealer had been sleeping, and rolled over looking at Russ.
"I feel like shit."
"That sucks man."
The Drug Dealer did not look well, and Russ didn't want to tell him that he wasn't feeling well either. Although Russ seemed to be doing a lot better at battling whatever this was than The Drug Dealer.
"Feel better man."
Russ got up and left the apartment, and continued on his day.
Later that evening Russ went for a long walk. Walking down Hollywood Blvd, outside of some night club, Russ saw her, and she was beautiful. He slowed down his walking, and couldn't help but stare at her. He decided to approach her. He had no choice, he was just drawn to her.
To be continued.....
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Next time on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
What's this? Has Russ found love? Stay tuned...
10) 8 Simple Rules for Living in my Shitty Apartment
Here's a deleted scene from "Lemme ask you this, Do you believe Jesus is the son of God?"
When Russ paid for his two months rent he was informed of the short list of rules he needed to follow if he wanted to live in the apartment.
The first rule of living with The Actor...
-Don't advertise that you are living with The Actor
Whoops... Russ broke that rule before even moving in. After getting off the phone with The Actor Russ sent out a mass text informing people he may be living with T.K. from "The Parent'Hood."
-Don't drink, smoke, or curse in the apartment.
If The Actor only knew what was actually going on in the apartment. Russ was pretty sure a couple of his room mates were shooting up something in the bathroom throughout the day/night.
-Take your shoes off in the apartment.
"See how these parts of the carpet by your bed are pretty clean?"
The carpet's "pretty" dirty. The Actor said he's rent a Rug Doctor sometime and clean the carpet. He doesn't want us tracking in dirt... (I might actually have to take a picture of the carpet he doesn't want us dirtying up... it's filthy.)
-Don't sleep nude, or in your underwear.
The apartment is soooo fucking hot. Russ could either lay in shorts and a shirt on top of his sleeping bag, or... break the rules, just wear boxers and a shirt, and sleep inside his sleeping bag. Either way he sweats his balls off. It's lose lose. One night Russ even tried sleeping in his car it was so hot.
-After taking a shower, don't come out of the bathroom nude, or in your underwear.
Russ thought this was a pretty obvious rule. There wasn't anything he wanted to show the four other guys, the lesbian, or the four kids in the apartment.
-Don't sit in or use The Actor's office space.
Fine. You don't have internet on that computer anyways.
-Don't go in The Actor's room.
Fine. I bet it's hot as fuck in there anyways.
-Clean up after yourself.
Fuck you.
When Russ paid for his two months rent he was informed of the short list of rules he needed to follow if he wanted to live in the apartment.
The first rule of living with The Actor...
-Don't advertise that you are living with The Actor
Whoops... Russ broke that rule before even moving in. After getting off the phone with The Actor Russ sent out a mass text informing people he may be living with T.K. from "The Parent'Hood."
-Don't drink, smoke, or curse in the apartment.
If The Actor only knew what was actually going on in the apartment. Russ was pretty sure a couple of his room mates were shooting up something in the bathroom throughout the day/night.
-Take your shoes off in the apartment.
"See how these parts of the carpet by your bed are pretty clean?"
The carpet's "pretty" dirty. The Actor said he's rent a Rug Doctor sometime and clean the carpet. He doesn't want us tracking in dirt... (I might actually have to take a picture of the carpet he doesn't want us dirtying up... it's filthy.)
-Don't sleep nude, or in your underwear.
The apartment is soooo fucking hot. Russ could either lay in shorts and a shirt on top of his sleeping bag, or... break the rules, just wear boxers and a shirt, and sleep inside his sleeping bag. Either way he sweats his balls off. It's lose lose. One night Russ even tried sleeping in his car it was so hot.
-After taking a shower, don't come out of the bathroom nude, or in your underwear.
Russ thought this was a pretty obvious rule. There wasn't anything he wanted to show the four other guys, the lesbian, or the four kids in the apartment.
-Don't sit in or use The Actor's office space.
Fine. You don't have internet on that computer anyways.
-Don't go in The Actor's room.
Fine. I bet it's hot as fuck in there anyways.
-Clean up after yourself.
Fuck you.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
9) The Price is Fail!
Previously on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
The Drug Dealer lost a sack of wizard. Maybe you shouldn't weigh your drugs out in the stairwell of the apartment complex, trying to hide from the rest of your room mates... further more, if you need to run inside the apartment really quick to grab something, maybe you shouldn't leave your drugs out where someone could find them, because when you get back... they could be gone... like they were when you got back. Now you're out a couple hundies bro. Nice work.
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If you're in LA, why not sign up to try and be on some game shows? Russ did. He signed up to try and be a contestant on Wheel of Fortune, and also signed up, and received a ticket to be in the audience of The Price is Right.
If you ever have a ticket to be an audience member on The Price is Right... here are surefire ways you'll fuck it up, and not make it on time.
Despite what the ticket says about the line starting at 6am, sleep in instead, wake up around 9, shower, then smoke a bunch of wizard, next instead of going straight to the studio, go to Starbucks for an hour. Now, at this point check in starts at 12:30, you've got half an hour to get there. Now is the time to read all of the 3 page ticket you printed out.
What's this? Check in is actually at 12:15? You better get a move on then, you've only got 15 minutes to get there, and traffic's not going to be good. Run back to your car, and find a parking ticket on the windshield for parking on the street during the street cleaning times. Now this is tricky, street cleaning only happens once a week for two hours, so you really need to plan where you park your car ahead of time. Ball up the ticket and get in your car. Follow the directions on the 3 page ticket to the parking garage that is about a mile away from the studio. Park your car on the fifth floor of one of the biggest parking lots you've ever been in. Don't use the elevator, walk down the five flights of stairs... now you'll end up in a shopping center much like The Plaza, a nicer, bigger Plaza... you won't know where you are, or what direction your pointed. Walk around lost for a little while.
This is key, enter the address of the studio into the GPS on your iPhone... follow the directions to a T. If you followed the directions correctly, 15 minutes later you should arrive in some random residential neighborhood.
By this time it's at least an hour after the check in time... here's the most important step. Give up.
As an added bonus do this:
Go ahead and walk back to your car defeated, and when you get there realize that you need to get your parking ticket validated. Maybe smoke some wizard before walking back down the five flights of stairs. Treat yourself to a milkshake, and ask to get your ticket validated. They'll say they don't validate tickets, oh well at least you have a milkshake.
Everything was NOT coming up Russes today that's for sure. Russ took the rest of the day to do what he's been doing the time he's been here... surf the internet at a coffee shop until they close. After the coffee shop closed Russ decided to drop off his stuff at the apartment, and go for a walk. While he was in the apartment he ran into The Actor.
"Russ, man, how was your day."
"Fine."
"Good good, man, today was a good day for me, I got a lot done, took care of somethings."
"Nice."
"Yea man, went and got into The Price is Right-"
"Uh what?"
"We went to The Price is Right today... we didn't win anything."
"Wait. You were at The Price is Right? Today?"
"Yea man, we got interviewed but they didn't pick us to be contestants."
"Today? Earlier today? The Price is Right?"
"Yea, we might try again next week."
Russ couldn't believe it, he still can't believe it. Russ hadn't told anyone he had a ticket to The Price is Right... this was just a big fucking coincidence, and after hearing that The Actor was there, and he made it in, Russ was pissed.
All is not lost in Russ's quest to be on The Price is Right though, he has another ticket, come February 22nd, Russ will get there at 6am, and be on The Price is Right... if wizard doesn't stand in his way.
There are days, and there are days.
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Coming up on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Things get hard, tempers flare, Russ starts to lose it. This and more next time... if there's a next time.
The Drug Dealer lost a sack of wizard. Maybe you shouldn't weigh your drugs out in the stairwell of the apartment complex, trying to hide from the rest of your room mates... further more, if you need to run inside the apartment really quick to grab something, maybe you shouldn't leave your drugs out where someone could find them, because when you get back... they could be gone... like they were when you got back. Now you're out a couple hundies bro. Nice work.
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If you're in LA, why not sign up to try and be on some game shows? Russ did. He signed up to try and be a contestant on Wheel of Fortune, and also signed up, and received a ticket to be in the audience of The Price is Right.
If you ever have a ticket to be an audience member on The Price is Right... here are surefire ways you'll fuck it up, and not make it on time.
Despite what the ticket says about the line starting at 6am, sleep in instead, wake up around 9, shower, then smoke a bunch of wizard, next instead of going straight to the studio, go to Starbucks for an hour. Now, at this point check in starts at 12:30, you've got half an hour to get there. Now is the time to read all of the 3 page ticket you printed out.
What's this? Check in is actually at 12:15? You better get a move on then, you've only got 15 minutes to get there, and traffic's not going to be good. Run back to your car, and find a parking ticket on the windshield for parking on the street during the street cleaning times. Now this is tricky, street cleaning only happens once a week for two hours, so you really need to plan where you park your car ahead of time. Ball up the ticket and get in your car. Follow the directions on the 3 page ticket to the parking garage that is about a mile away from the studio. Park your car on the fifth floor of one of the biggest parking lots you've ever been in. Don't use the elevator, walk down the five flights of stairs... now you'll end up in a shopping center much like The Plaza, a nicer, bigger Plaza... you won't know where you are, or what direction your pointed. Walk around lost for a little while.
This is key, enter the address of the studio into the GPS on your iPhone... follow the directions to a T. If you followed the directions correctly, 15 minutes later you should arrive in some random residential neighborhood.
By this time it's at least an hour after the check in time... here's the most important step. Give up.
As an added bonus do this:
Go ahead and walk back to your car defeated, and when you get there realize that you need to get your parking ticket validated. Maybe smoke some wizard before walking back down the five flights of stairs. Treat yourself to a milkshake, and ask to get your ticket validated. They'll say they don't validate tickets, oh well at least you have a milkshake.
Everything was NOT coming up Russes today that's for sure. Russ took the rest of the day to do what he's been doing the time he's been here... surf the internet at a coffee shop until they close. After the coffee shop closed Russ decided to drop off his stuff at the apartment, and go for a walk. While he was in the apartment he ran into The Actor.
"Russ, man, how was your day."
"Fine."
"Good good, man, today was a good day for me, I got a lot done, took care of somethings."
"Nice."
"Yea man, went and got into The Price is Right-"
"Uh what?"
"We went to The Price is Right today... we didn't win anything."
"Wait. You were at The Price is Right? Today?"
"Yea man, we got interviewed but they didn't pick us to be contestants."
"Today? Earlier today? The Price is Right?"
"Yea, we might try again next week."
Russ couldn't believe it, he still can't believe it. Russ hadn't told anyone he had a ticket to The Price is Right... this was just a big fucking coincidence, and after hearing that The Actor was there, and he made it in, Russ was pissed.
All is not lost in Russ's quest to be on The Price is Right though, he has another ticket, come February 22nd, Russ will get there at 6am, and be on The Price is Right... if wizard doesn't stand in his way.
There are days, and there are days.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Coming up on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Things get hard, tempers flare, Russ starts to lose it. This and more next time... if there's a next time.
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